Resolution
by theladyinthemirror
Summary: Set in Season 13 after Justice Denied. What would be the outcome if Elliot showed up at Olivia's door the night David broke her heart? Will she be receptive to him? Could she and Elliot possibly wade through the hurt and anger of the past several years? And are she and David really through? Trigger warning: Some discussion of, and flashbacks to, sexual assault.
1. Chapter 1

**_This is my first fic, though I've been a long time fan of SVU and particularly Olivia Benson/Mariska Hargitay. The bulk of the story is complete, and I will be posting chapters every two to three days. I'd love to hear what you think! _**

**Chapter 1**

**Olivia**

Olivia raced up the stairs too distraught to wait for the elevator in the lobby, afraid she might encounter one of her neighbors. She _was_ _furious _and in no mood for small talk. She couldn't bear to be locked in the small space with anyone for the few moments it would take to reach the fourth floor... She wanted no witnesses to her tears.

How could she—_savvy_, tough SVU cop Olivia Benson, have let her guard down with David? She'd already been reeling for months from the emotional body-blows she'd suffered when Elliot disappeared from her life with no goodbye and no explanation for leaving. And now _another_ man was walking away?

She _knew _better than to trust anyone with her heart, but she'd been so off-balance... Losing Elliot had left her devastated. She'd felt like a stranger in her own life—beyond lost, and utterly alone without him. So when David Haden came along and she actually found herself smiling she chose to believe things were looking up.

David had _pursued_ her promising he 'wasn't going anywhere…" She came to believe he was a man she could trust—m_aybe_ even love. So she'd given in to his persistence and allowed a level of intimacy she hadn't permitted in a very long time. They were well aware there would be challenges managing a romantic relationship within the confines of the NYPD and the DA's office, but they'd agreed to meet them as they arose... And then he'd bailed at the first _real_ obstacle that came along.

Blinded by tears she could no longer contain, Olivia fumbled with her keys, trying to find the one that would grant her access to the privacy of her apartment. Distracted by her misery, she failed to see a shadowed figure at the end of the hallway. She found the elusive key just as she caught movement out of the corner of her eye. A familiar voice tentatively spoke her name: "Liv..."

Olivia looked up to see her ex-partner moving toward her. This _couldn't_ be happening. Not tonight! Falling apart in front of him was not an option: She'd prided herself in never allowing Elliot Stabler to see her cry. "Elliot!" she gasped, horrified when her tear-choked voice made his name sound like a sob.

Olivia flashed back to the last time she'd seen him, as they stood among the horrific carnage in the squad room of the 1-6, and her subsequent heartbreak when this man—her best friend, the rock of her foundation—walked out of the squad room and out of her life, cutting off all communication. The pain had been unlike anything she'd ever experienced... She'd been grief-stricken.

When he realized she was crying Elliot rushed to close the distance between them and reached out to her. She stepped back, avoiding him; he dropped his hand, seemingly understanding that his touch wouldn't be welcomed.

She staggered at the raw emotion he evoked in her, compounded tonight by the loss and betrayal she felt at David's hands. She _hated_ that she could be this affected by him: She was afraid her knees would give out before she could reach the sanctuary of her apartment.

"Elliot, I can't do this—not tonight. Maybe not ever," she whispered. Avoiding his eyes and hoping to God he would leave without a scene she turned and let herself into her apartment, locking the door securely behind her.

Once safely inside, the tide of emotion and anguish she'd been holding at bay overtook her, sobs wracking her body as she slowly sank to the floor—mere inches from where Elliot stood, just outside her door.

**Elliot **

Olivia Benson didn't cry—everyone knew that. Her brown eyes might well-up or a silent tear might escape and trail down her pretty face, but in all of the horrific situations they'd soldiered together Elliot had never seen her cry. He stood in silence listening to her muffled sobs, knowing he didn't have it in his power to comfort her— even if she hadn't locked the door between them. Some of her pain could be laid at his feet, and that knowledge was almost unbearable.

Elliot hadn't seen her since his bullet had taken the life of sixteen-year-old Jenna Fox in the squad room of the 16th Precinct. Not saying goodbye to Olivia had been the hardest thing he'd ever done. Her phone calls had torn him to shreds; he'd sent her his 'Semper Fi' medallion praying she would understand it's meaning—_'always faithful'_—and forgive him.

The shooting in the squad room had brought Elliot's world to a dead halt: The days following had been black with despair... He was broken_._ He'd fallen into a vortex—so deep he couldn't be reached. God forgive him, but he'd thought about eating his gun; had it not been for his Catholic faith and his children he would have. Mired in self-loathing, he'd wanted contact with no one: Not Kathy; not his children; and _definitely _not Olivia.

The squad room had been full that day—detectives, unis, perps, visitors, all of them at risk from the bullets spraying from Jenna's gun. But Elliot had seen _only _Olivia—no one else existed—no one else mattered. _She'd _been the one he was protecting—and a child had died at his hand. He'd wanted to blame her, just as he had with Gitano. But he'd known the truth: She was innocent. Faultless. She hadn't asked for his protection... He had _needed_ to protect her.

**Collision**

"Go away, Elliot... This isn't happening!" Olivia's response to his knock on the door had been delivered in no uncertain terms, although her voice was still tremulous with tears.

"Liv, don't be so friggin' stubborn! You know damn well I'm not gonna leave you alone in this condition, so you might as well let me in before we disturb your neighbors." Elliot was every bit as stubborn as Olivia and something told him he had a lot at stake tonight. After the shooting, Elliot realized he could never go back to the 1-6—even though it would mean the end of his partnership with Olivia. It had felt like death, a loss from which he could never recover. And it had _finally _occurred to him: He was in love with his partner—deeply in love. He wanted Olivia in his life, but he wanted her as far more than a friend.

Regrettably, his life was in complete shambles, and had been long before the shooting. No one could help him—_especially_ not Olivia. If he'd turned to her then, it would've destroyed them. He'd clearly understood two things: First, he _wanted _to be with her. And second, he _couldn't_ be with her until he took control of his life… He would not go to Olivia a broken man.

Even in his fractured state he'd understood he couldn't risk seeing her for the few moments it would've taken to tell her goodbye. It would have weakened his resolve. What he needed to do had to be done apart from her, with honor and integrity. Otherwise, _nothing_ could _ever_ be right between them. He'd worried that she would be so hurt and angry she'd never forgive him, but he'd known it was a gamble he had to take. He'd watched her from a distance, exercising a self-control that was hard-won.

But now he had to get inside, no matter how determined she was to keep him out. He knew how angry she was... Olivia's words and the look on her face when he'd reached to touch her, told him clearly she was pissed. She was a force to be reckoned with when she was hurt and angry, but he sure as hell wasn't going to leave her alone tonight. She needed him... She just didn't know it yet.

"Elliot, go away! I'm not doing this," Olivia insisted, her voice raspy from crying. The irony of the situation was not lost on her... That Elliot showed up at her door _tonight_ of all nights, after being MIA from her life for nearly a year, was ironic_..._ That he thought he could come waltzing back into her life and play the _hero_ was _moronic._ The bastard certainly had balls, she'd give him that.

"We don't have to do _anything,_ Liv, but I'm not leaving you. I'll give you ten seconds and if you don't open the door I'm gonna use my key."

"You son of a bitch, what are you still doing with my key, Stabler?" All the tears were gone from her voice as she connected with the anger that had been bubbling at the surface of her consciousness ever since she'd discovered Elliot in her hallway.

"10 - 9 - 8 - 7…" Elliot started the countdown.

"You bastard…! Have you forgotten I'm a cop?"

"6 - 5 - 4 - 3," he continued.

"I swear to God I'll get my gun if you touch that door," she hissed as she lurched to her feet.

"2 - 1…" Elliot finished the count as he inserted the key and turned the lock, pushing the door open.

Olivia had opened the drawer where she kept her gun just as Elliot entered the apartment. He crossed the room in one stride and grabbed the gun as Olivia reached for it, lifting it out of her grasp. He placed it on top of the fridge, and barely had time to duck when Olivia tried to slug him, losing her balance when she didn't connect with his jaw. Elliot caught her and drew her to his chest, pinning her arms behind her.

If murder could be committed with a look, Elliot Stabler would be dead and Olivia Benson would_ definitely_ be found guilty. She struggled against him to no avail, calling him every contemptible name she knew. In spite of the rage in her brown eyes and her tear-ravaged face, Elliot thought she'd never looked more beautiful.

**Battle**

"Were you actually gonna shoot me, Benson?" Elliot demanded. "I can't believe you went for your gun!"

"And I can't believe what a _prick_ you are," she growled. "But some things never change."

Olivia had nearly stopped struggling. "Remember, I'm a civilian now, so I'm unarmed... Are you going for your gun if I let you go? 'Cause if we're gonna play 'Shoot-out at the OK Corral' I'm at a definite disadvantage here, Liv," Elliot smirked with a raise of his eyebrow, loosening his grip on her arms.

"You're such a jackass," she sputtered as she wrenched herself free. She spun on him so quickly he never saw her right hook coming until it caught him square in the jaw, knocking him into the wall.

"Ow! What the hell! You never could play nice, Benson," he moaned as he rubbed his face.

"What do you want, Elliot?" Olivia asked angrily. She gingerly flexed her hand.

Elliot continued to rub his jaw while he struggled with the answer to her question. After the shooting, Olivia had become his beacon as he'd slowly clawed his way out of the vortex. He'd addressed his anger, exploring his "demons" through grueling hours of therapy with Dr. Huang, and counsel from his priest. He'd sorted through the detritus of his marriage and he and Kathy finalized a long-overdue divorce. And he'd worked tirelessly to repair his relationships with his children.

He'd been determined to shield Olivia from all of this... She would _never _play the role of the 'other woman' and she could never accept being a factor in the break-up of his marriage. She was genuinely fond of his kids and he refused to put her in a position where their respect for her would be diminished.

He knew he'd only begun the journey of sorting through a lifetime of emotional baggage, but he'd made progress. He'd been ready to come to Olivia, unencumbered and feeling emotionally and spiritually stronger than he'd felt in many years—perhaps ever. Unfortunately, he hadn't counted on David Haden entering the picture... _That_ was not part of his plan, and it was a game-changer.

It had kept him away until an old SVU case resurfaced, revealing Olivia had been instrumental in putting the wrong man in prison eight years ago. Having himself experienced the horror of sending an innocent man to prison Elliott wanted to offer her his support… At least, that's what he told himself as he stood before her.

Elliot met her eyes. "I'm here because I heard about the Pena case. I was concerned and just wanted to see how you're doing—let you know I'm here for you," he said quietly.

A look of pain flashed in Olivia's eyes. "How can you have the _nerve_ to come here tonight and tell me you're _concerned_ about me? If you cared _anything _about how I'm doing, where the hell have you been for the past ten months?" she whispered, close to tears again. Her voice rose, her eyes dark with anger. "For that matter, where have you been for the past six years?"

Elliot stood before her, his head bowed. She had every right to be furious with him: He'd disappeared from her life giving her no explanation and no opportunity for closure—so he understood why she was angry about the last ten months. But he'd be _damned_ if she was going to blame the past six years on him. He and Olivia had been partners for twelve years in a unit where the average run for a detective was two... They were recognized as one of the NYPD's best detective teams, working hand in glove, daily witnesses to some of the most degrading and appalling acts that one person could perpetrate against another, their own lives often on the line. They had each become an integral part of the other—_more _than best friends.

But in the later years of their partnership interaction between them had become tense and confrontational: They'd railed against each other knowing the other's weaknesses and which words would inflict the deepest wounds. The more they'd pushed each other away the more they couldn't bear to be apart—and they'd been equal players in the game.

He needed to stay calm and not blow all the hard work he'd done over these past months… He'd forgotten how quickly she could push his buttons. He cleared his throat and lifted his eyes to hers again. He spoke quietly and calmly, focusing on the anger management techniques he'd learned: "Olivia, I know you're angry with me and you have every right to be. I know how much I hurt you, and for that I am so, so sorry. There's no way you can understand this right now, Liv, but please believe me… My intentions are good, and honorable. What I've done, I've done because I care for you."

Olivia's eyes widened. None of what he was saying made any sense. How could he believe what he had put her through could possibly be anything 'good' or 'honorable…' or had anything to do with caring for her? The man was delusional—he must have had a breakdown! Just when she was thinking she should cut him some slack, he continued his spiel.

Elliot's voice rose: "I take full responsibility for the last ten months, Olivia, but I'll be damned if you're gonna blame me for the last six years. We were equal partners in screwing that up, and you know it!"

Olivia turned away from her long-time partner and stormed into the bathroom before she followed through on the urge to punch him again, leaving Elliot where he stood. She had to get away from him so she could pull herself together and think. She'd had a hideous day and she was exhausted… If he insisted on torturing her she was at least going to be comfortable.

She clipped her hair up and quickly scrubbed away the make-up her tears had smeared down her face. Trying to avoid any painful thoughts of David, she stepped into the shower allowing the hot spray to loosen some of the tension in her neck and shoulders. Taking her time, she endeavored to restore her composure while the hot water flowed over her, washing away the remnants of her day. When she finished she toweled herself dry but found she wasn't yet ready to face Elliot. She brushed her hair, leaving the long auburn locks loose and falling down around her shoulders, then re-applied a small amount of makeup—irritated because it was too close to bedtime to be bothering, but not wanting Elliot to see her without it. Finally, slipping into her favorite sweats she made her way out of the bathroom hoping he would be gone, knowing he wouldn't be… She found him sprawled comfortably on her couch watching ESPN.

While in the shower she'd thought about what he'd said about the past six years. As much as it killed her to admit it, she knew he was right: They owned an equal share of the blame. Conceding defeat, she sat down across from him. "Elliot, I can't do this tonight... Please, please leave," she begged him.

Elliot looked over at her, registering the defeat and sadness on her beautiful face. "I can't,Liv. I won't leave you," he said softly.

A spark of anger returned to her eyes as she confronted him. "Oh my God Elliot, why are you doing this?" What do I have to do to get you out of here—call the cops?"

"Go ahead, call them. And I'm doing this for us," he said calmly.

Olivia flew out of her chair, incredulous. "Us...? There is no _'us'_ Elliot!" she shouted. "There hasn't been an 'us' for the past six years! There was no 'us' when you so easily replaced me with Dani Beck," she nearly spat. "There was certainly no 'us' when you didn't tell me you'd left Kathy. And any hope of 'us' died when you walked away from me without a goodbye and never looked back. You didn't even have the decency to return my damn phone calls, knowing it was tearing me apart. So _screw_ you, Elliot...! Don't you dare tell me you're doing this for us," she raged, stomping into her bedroom.

He was off the couch and across the room before she could slam and lock the door.

"Go ahead, Benson, run away... That's what you do best, isn't it?" he shouted. He pushed against the door, forcing himself into the room. The fire in his eyes told her she would be wise to let him have his say.

"Get it off your chest, Stabler," she sneered. She folded her arms and stood in front of him.

Elliot couldn't believe how quickly she could make him lose it. He took a moment to calm down. "Yeah, you run away, Olivia, as soon as it gets a little too personal_,_ you run. And you don't give anyone any advance warning," he scoffed, "so don't be riding my ass too hard. And when you're not running you're puttin' up walls; I still don't know what happened at Sealview except it fucked with your head. And with the men parading in and out of your life—the latest is Haden, isn't it? It's a little hard to keep track of when you're available these…" He heard her gasp and grabbed her arm before her hand could connect with his face. "And that's the second time you've tried to assault me in less than an hour," he barked as he wrapped his arms around her to keep her from doing him further harm.

He was surprised she wasn't fighting him this time, and thought it was a ploy to make him drop his guard. When she didn't move, he looked down at her: The reality of this beautiful woman in his arms took his breath away… And then his heart nearly broke as he saw a lone tear roll down her cheek.

**TBC**

**Thank you for reading! **


	2. Chapter 2

_He was surprised she wasn't fighting him this time, and thought it was a ploy to make him drop his guard. When she didn't move, he looked down at her: The reality of this beautiful woman in his arms took his breath away… And then his heart nearly broke as he saw a lone tear roll down her cheek._

**Chapter 2**

**Truth**

Elliot watched the tear as it traced its way down Olivia's face and dropped out of sight. He'd loosened his hold on her, but she didn't seem inclined to move out of his arms. He gently pulled her to him and rested his chin on her head. She stirred, but made no attempt to pull away.

The close proximity was having an unsettling effect. Her familiar scent was intoxicating… Shampoo, perfume, whatever—it was uniquely her: For a moment he was back in the squad room with Olivia leaning over him while they worked, her hair falling down, sometimes brushing his face… He'd known it was dangerous to be that close to his gorgeous partner. He noticed she'd let her hair grow longer, the luxurious auburn waves accentuating her natural feminine beauty—and he loved how it looked on her.

"What happened tonight, Liv? Before you came home, I mean," Elliot murmured softly.

As if this were the cue she'd been waiting for, Olivia pulled out of his arms and stepped away, leaving some distance between them. She slowly raked her fingers through her hair, almost as though she'd known what he'd been thinking, making him a little self-conscious.

"Don't you need to get home to Kathy, Elliot?" she asked tiredly.

She didn't know...? He'd just assumed she knew about the divorce, but clearly she didn't or she wouldn't be asking. Elliot cleared his throat. It sounded like he was getting ready to make a speech.

"Uh, Liv, Kathy and I divorced six months ago. I was sure you'd have heard about it from someone... No one told you?" he asked nervously.

"No, Elliot, no one told me," Olivia said, looking up at him with a question in her eyes. "What makes you think anyone else at the precinct knows about it? Have you kept in touch with anyone?" she inquired, trying a little too hard to keep her voice indifferent.

This was going to be a touchy subject—one he'd much rather not address tonight, but it appeared there'd be no way to avoid it. "Yeah, Olivia, I have," Elliot admitted sheepishly, looking down. When he had the courage to look at her again he felt like he'd been sucker punched. The hurt and betrayal in Olivia's brown eyes tore him apart. "Liv… Liv, it's not what you think," he rushed to her, trying desperately to make her listen.

Olivia held her hands up to keep him from coming any closer. "Elliot there is nothing, _nothing_ you can say to me right now that can possibly make this right. I want you to…"

"I've been in therapy with Huang," Elliot blurted before she could finish, and the surprised relief on her face told him it had been the right thing to say. He knew it would serve no purpose to mention that he was also in regular contact with Alex Cabot and Donald Cragen.

If Olivia had realized the close tabs he'd kept on her since his retirement she'd be beyond furious with him. Hell, she'd probably accuse him of stalking her—and she'd have a case if she chose to pursue it. Knowing Liv, if she ever found out she'd kick his ass. Fortunately for Elliot there were a few good friends at the precinct and in the NYPD who cared about Olivia. They'd willingly helped him "have her back" from afar, giving him some much-needed comfort until he could go to her.

Elliot knew how fond Captain Cragen was of both he and Olivia—in spite of their penchant for keeping him up to his ass in run-ins with the 1PP and IAB brass: When Don contacted Elliot to check on him—and the conversation had turned to Olivia—he'd told him he'd always thought there was more to the bond between them than mere partnership. Not that he'd believed they'd acted on it, he said—he doubted they'd even realized it while they were still partners—but it was there. So he'd been more than happy to let Elliot know from time to time how Olivia was faring.

Elliot also enlisted Alex Cabot's help. She and Olivia were close before Alex had been rushed into the Witness Protection program, and a solid friendship had been re-established now that she was back. Understanding how deep their feelings were for each other—and believing it was truly in Olivia's best interest—Alex had become a willing co-conspirator... All the while, knowing how pissed the _very private_ Detective Benson would be if she ever found out. Together, out of mutual caring, Don and Alex had provided Elliot with a window to Olivia's life.

"When did you start therapy?" Olivia asked skeptically.

"From the time I left," he said, lowering his eyes. "I was in pretty bad shape, Olivia… It was the first time I ever admitted I couldn't handle something on my own." He paused before continuing, his voice unsteady. "God, I'd taken the life of a child, Liv…" He shook his head as though trying to erase the memory.

Olivia's heart ached for him. "_Someone_ had to stop her, Elliot… She'd killed an innocent person—and there was a roomful of others still at risk. We'll never know how many lives you saved that day… But I'm sorry it had to be you."

He looked up, offering a sad smile. "Anyway, Huang was the devil I knew... Actually, he's been great—I owe him a lot," he told her, with the smallest hint of pride.

"You and Huang, huh," Olivia said wryly. "I never saw _that _coming." She shook her head, looking thoughtful for a moment before she met his eye. "I'm proud of you El," she said softly. "I know it couldn't have been easy."

He was caught off guard by the change in her demeanor. He smiled at her tentatively. "Thank you—it wasn't," he admitted.

Olivia sighed and walked out of the bedroom, heading toward the kitchen. She looked over her shoulder at Elliot. "You're not leaving anytime soon, are you Stabler," she griped. The shadow of a smile played around her eyes.

"Nope, I'm not. I've got no place I need to be, so this is your lucky night."

"Yeah, right, so why do I feel like I'm under house arrest," she muttered. "Do you want a beer?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Elliot once again made himself at home on her couch, while Olivia grabbed two beers from the fridge. She settled on the opposite end of the couch, passing one to Elliot.

He reached over and clinked his bottle against his former partner's. "Truce…?"

"Truce," Olivia conceded grudgingly, clinking her bottle against his.

They took a couple of deep pulls in almost-companionable silence that was doomed to be short-lived.

"Olivia, what happened tonight before you came home?" Elliot tried once more.

"Elliot, I really don't want to talk about this… Not tonight."

"It's just I've never seen you this upset, Liv… What happened?"

"You really are an ass, Stabler! I'm not going to talk about this with you," Olivia's voice rose indignantly.

"Were you just upset about the case?" Elliot continued, as if she hadn't spoken. "I'm sure you're getting all kinds of flak..."

"Elliot, stop!" She raised her hand as if that could keep him from haranguing her. Olivia's brow furrowed. "What you said earlier..." She looked up, comprehension lighting her eyes. "How did you know about David Haden? How could you possibly know? _No one_ knew about us, Elliot!" She rose from the couch and paced around the small room like a caged feline.

"Are you sure about that, Liv?" he asked.

"How do _you_ know about David, Elliot? Right now I don't give a rat's ass who else knows," she yelled, leaning down to look him in the face. "I just want to know how _you_ could possibly know about _him_."

"I saw you with him," he admitted, his eyes dark and unreadable. "I recognized him."

_"Where_ did you see us, Elliot?"

"On the street—in front of your apartment… And then you went inside," he said, looking at the floor to avoid her eyes.

**Turmoil**

"Are you _stalking_ me, Stabler? What the hell!" Olivia shouted using all the self-control she could muster to keep from kicking the snot out of him.

"Calm down! No, Olivia, I'm not _stalking _you." His voice was weary as he rubbed his hand across his face, dragging it over his five o'clock shadow.

Olivia leaned down, forcing him to meet her eyes. "And what reason could you possibly have had for being in my neighborhood, Elliot?"

Elliot met her gaze full-on. "I live three blocks from here," he said innocently, a little smug at the surprise on her face.

She pulled away, pure astonishment on her pretty features. She moved her mouth to speak but stopped—seemingly at a loss for words.

Striding into the kitchen she drew a glass of water from the tap, trying to buy some time to absorb the information Elliot had just given her. Of all the excuses she'd expected him to give for being in her neighborhood, this one was not on the list. What the …?

She should just throw his ass out—if she really insisted, she knew he would leave. Why the hell was she letting him stay...? She had to admit he'd been a welcome diversion from the fresh pain of her break-up with David; he'd done an admirable job of distracting her and there'd been some comfort in not being alone tonight. But Elliot had done nothing but confuse and infuriate her since he'd forced his way through her door.

She glanced over to where he was sitting hunched over, arms resting on his knees, looking like he was preparing his strategy for their next go-round. She had to admit he looked good—a little _too_ good for her comfort. He'd obviously been hitting the gym, judging from the way his T-shirt was hugging his sculpted chest and biceps. She flashed back to the handful of times she'd seen him without his shirt and felt her knees go weak. How could he have this effect on her? But of course—he _always _did. She just never allowed herself to acknowledge it, as though ignoring it made it less real.

Olivia couldn't believe she'd allowed herself to linger in his arms. She could count on one hand the times they'd shared a moment that intimate in their twelve years as partners—and each one had been preceded by a life or death situation. They'd been hyper-vigilant to not cross the unspoken boundaries of their partnership and Elliot's marriage. But now those boundaries had shifted.

When he'd held her tonight, in spite of how angry she was with him, she'd just wanted to stay there forever. There was something so familiar and comforting about breathing in his scent after all these months. She felt so _safe_ in his arms. But there was still a delicious sense of adventure when she was near him… He made her feel alive. God, she'd missed him.

Sadly, that didn't change the fact that he'd been a bastard for not getting in touch with her after he left, cutting her so completely out of his life. There was nothing that could make up for all the tears she'd cried for this man... Nothing he could say to her could make it okay.

Pulling herself away from thoughts of Elliot and the past, she tried to refocus her attention on the present. She couldn't believe he'd seen her with David—so much for keeping the relationship under the radar. Olivia had believed Bayard was the only other person who knew about them. How many others had seen them around town? They'd been _so_ careful. Not that it mattered anymore, she suddenly remembered—with a pain so intense it took her breath away.

"Hey Liv, you okay out there?" Elliot called to her.

"Yeah, I'm coming," she replied, forcing herself to breathe slowly and deeply.

**Breakthrough**

Olivia made her way back to the living room and sank onto the couch, tucking one leg beneath her, angling her body so she was facing Elliot. "Why are you really here tonight, Elliot? Please be honest with me."

He didn't respond immediately, but studied the pattern of the rug beneath his feet while he contemplated his answer. And then he straightened and turned toward her.

"I honestly came because of the Pena case, Olivia. I thought you could use some support from somebody who's been there. That was the only thing on my mind until I saw you..." Elliot paused and shifted until he mirrored Olivia's position on the couch. He leaned forward and peered intently into her eyes, his voice soft when he continued. "What happened tonight, Liv? Is this about Haden?"

Her face told him he was right, but he wasn't prepared for the devastation he saw there as her eyes pooled with tears. His body tensed—there was flint in his voice. "Did he hurt you?"

"No, Elliot, nothing like that," she quickly assured him as she reflexively reached to touch his arm—the way she always had when he was about to go off the deep end.

He visibly relaxed and took her hand in both of his, trapping it there.

She lowered her eyes, and her voice became small. "We ended the relationship," she whispered, so quietly he almost missed it. But he didn't miss the quiver of her lip, or the tears that still threatened. He reached up and tilted her chin, grazing the apple of her cheek with his thumb, catching a tear as it fell.

And then she was in his arms... He held her tenderly while she sobbed. He just let her cry, holding her close and rocking her gently, murmuring the little shushing sounds he made when he was comforting one of his children as he pressed his lips to her brow.

Elliot's emotions were a roller coaster. Holding her felt so right… She fit in his arms as though they existed for just that purpose, and she felt so damn good. But the fact that she was weeping for another man stole some of the thrill from the moment. Regardless of the circumstances, though, he was holding Olivia in his arms, with no 'partnership' to be concerned about and no marriage to feel guilty over, and he was going to savor every moment of it.

He could take some comfort in knowing the relationship between Olivia and Haden was over—unless of course it wasn't, and this had merely been a lover's spat that would soon blow over. But Elliot knew Olivia, and she didn't overreact to situations. For her to be this heartbroken, chances were it had really ended between them. It wasn't that he wanted Olivia to be hurting like this... He didn't. But he'd waited so long and worked so hard for an opportunity with this beautiful woman, this woman that he loved... And he would never have approached her when she was involved in a serious relationship with someone else.

Elliot had learned one thing well in the past ten months—the past thirteen years really: The path leading to Olivia Benson was not for the faint of heart.

Olivia stirred in Elliot's arms as she tried to pull herself together. She needed to gain control over her emotions. It wasn't that she never cried—God knew she'd shed enough tears in the past ten months to last a lifetime—but her tears were her own, to be shed behind closed doors and not to be shared with anyone. It occurred to Olivia that she had never, even as a child, been held while she wept. The realization overwhelmed her and the fact that it was Elliot who held her touched her deeply.

Still in his arms, Olivia rested her head on Elliot's chest while he traced lazy circles on her back. She wasn't sobbing any more but he could still feel an occasional tremor course through her body as he held her. She rearranged herself trying to get more comfortable, but made no move to leave his arms.

Elliot pressed a kiss to the top of her head and brushed her hair away from her face. "Wanna talk about it, Liv?"

"Mmn, mmn," she mumbled, shaking her head 'no' and snuggling in deeper. Elliot shifted his weight, trying to make them both more comfortable. He stretched his legs and pulled her closer.

"I wish I could stay here forever," she murmured sleepily, closing her eyes.

"You only have to say the word, Liv," he whispered. He waited for a response, but her head fell forward and he realized she was asleep.

When Elliot made the decision to come see Olivia, he'd been nervous. He wasn't at all sure what kind of reception she'd give him... It was possible she'd refuse to see him at all. In the scenarios that played in his mind, there were none that even came close to matching the events of this evening—and certainly none where he ended up holding Olivia Benson in his arms while she slept.

He rested his cheek against the top of her head and just breathed her in... He was pretty sure he could get drunk on her scent. His own eyes became heavy and soon he was nodding off, too.

* * *

"You're snoring, Stabler." He opened his eyes to find Olivia looking up at him sleepily. His right arm was asleep and he couldn't feel his legs, but every bit of the discomfort was worth it as he gazed into those chocolate brown eyes that currently held just a bit of mischief.

"Oh, sorry, I guess I fell asleep," he yawned. He tried to stretch and realized that until he could extricate himself from Olivia, it wasn't a possibility.

She slowly untangled herself from his arms and sat up. Elliot felt an acute sense of loss as soon as she moved away. "What time is it, Liv?" he asked, looking around the room for a clock.

She reached over him, grabbed the remote from the end table, and clicked on the TV. "11:25," she said, clicking it off again. "I don't know about you but I'm starving," Olivia announced. "I don't think I've eaten since breakfast." As if to prove her point her stomach growled loudly.

"I suggest we feed you."

"I'm gonna order take-out...You want some?" she asked as she reached for her cell phone on the coffee table.

"Depends on what you're ordering." Elliot tried to massage some feeling back into his legs.

"Chinese sound OK?"

"Yeah, old standbys are good," he agreed. "I'll have whatever you order."

Olivia hit speed dial, placed the order, and tossed the phone back on the coffee table.

**Catch-up**

Olivia stood and stretched. She grabbed the empty beer bottles and carried them into the kitchen while Elliot headed to the bathroom. She took plates down from the cupboard and picked out utensils and chopsticks from a drawer.

Elliot walked into the kitchen still drying his hands. "How can I help?"

"Pour me a glass of wine and get yourself a beer. Glasses are up there." She nodded toward a corner cabinet.

Olivia added napkins and headed back to the living room, where she placed everything on the coffee table, moving her cell phone and keys aside before setting the plates out.

The doorbell rang. "That was quick," she said, reaching for her purse.

"I've got it." Elliot was already at the door, his wallet in his hand.

He paid for the delivery and set the bags on the coffee table. They both unloaded cartons and filled their plates, the tantalizing aroma causing Olivia's stomach to growl again.

In spite of every indication she'd been starving, she barely touched her food. After a few bites Olivia pushed her nearly-full plate aside, picked up her glass of wine and leaned back into the cushions, tucking her legs under her.

Elliot finished his plate and pointed to Olivia's. "Go ahead, I'm done," she said. "So where's your new place?" She watched as he polished off her Dim Sung.

He finished chewing and wiped his mouth with his napkin. "Just around the corner from the bodega, on 110th Street… I moved in four months ago. It's not bad - I have three bedrooms so there's plenty of room for the kids."

"How are your kids, El?" Olivia asked, taking a sip of her wine and placing the glass on the table.

Elliot turned toward her, a proud smile on his face. "They're actually really great, in spite of the divorce." He shifted, resting his arm on the back of the couch. "We did the family counseling thing... If I hadn't been working with Huang and realized how much it had helped me I probably wouldn't have been as open to it," he admitted. "Dickie, er, Richard took it the hardest; I think it's because Kathy started seeing someone from work shortly after the divorce was final. The girl's seem okay with it—they're actually pretty happy for her… But Richard's still struggling."

"And how about Eli…? He must be getting so big," Olivia said with a fond smile.

"Oh yeah… He's in pre-school so he thinks he's one of the 'big kids' now," Elliot chuckled.

Olivia leaned closer to Elliot lightly touching his arm. "And how are _you _doing with Kathy's new boyfriend, El?"

Elliot lowered his eyes for a moment. "I'm not gonna lie—it was tough at first, even though I was the one pushing so hard for the divorce this time." Looking up at Olivia, he continued. "But my heart had already moved on, and I'm really happy for Kathy… She deserves someone who loves her. I'm okay, Liv," Elliot assured her, taking her hand in his and smiling into her eyes. "How 'bout you... You workin' tomorrow?"

Olivia freed her hand from Elliot's so she could pick up her wine. Leaning back against the cushions, she studied the glass she was holding. "No, Cragen wants me to take some time off."

"Because of the Pena case…?" Elliot asked, leaning closer.

"Yeah... I guess he's concerned about me. I've got the time, and God knows the case has been rough," she conceded.

"What's happening with it?" Elliot asked.

"It's over… Pena's been released with a full pardon and we got the real perp. So it's over."

"But not for you," he said softly. "I know you Olivia, you're gonna beat yourself up over this for a long time." Elliot leaned a little closer, taking her chin in his hand, gently turning her face toward his. "I can see it in your eyes... You know it wasn't your fault, Liv. You're a damn good cop and you were doing your job."

"Yeah, that's what everyone keeps telling me." She paused for a moment. "Tell that to Pena," Olivia said bitterly. "See if it makes the eight years I stole from him any more acceptable." She looked back down at her wine glass, her voice softer as she continued. "I was so damn sure I was right, and I broke him... He confessed because I pushed him too hard. I had faulty evidence, El, and I didn't know it," she said, looking up at Elliot. "I've always prided myself on not using the 'good ole boy' tactics, but I did the same thing they do! I..."

Elliot took the wine glass from her hand, placed it on the table, and turned her toward him. "You're not anything like that—you know you're not, Liv. You're a good cop."

Olivia searched his eyes, as though seeking something he was powerless to grant… She slowly looked away and continued speaking. "Bayard said the same thing, but it's really hard to not second guess yourself after something like this happens. You know that, El, you've been through it..."

"You're right, but it does get better, Liv... After a while you forgive yourself. You have to so you can move on and do the job."

They sat quietly for a few moments, the silence companionable.

Elliot spoke first. "So, Bayard, huh… Is that Bayard _Ellis_?"

"Yeah, I've gotten to know him, and…"

"And you're on a first name basis," Elliot smirked. "I must say I'm impressed." He looked over at her with amusement—and something else in his eyes Olivia couldn't identify.

"I was going to say," she continued, "before you turned into a _child_, that Bayard is a very impressive man. I've come to respect him a great deal. He's warmhearted, generous, kind—he cares deeply about what he does—not at all what I expected. He's been a good friend to me, Elliot."

"Sounds like you two hit it off… Did he give Haden a run for his money?"

"Elliot, what the hell…? Screw you! You've implied a couple of times tonight that my bedroom has a revolving door… You _know_ that's not true." Olivia angrily moved away from him and settled into her corner of the couch.

Elliot shifted too, and sat looking at the floor. "I'm sorry, Liv. I know it's not. I guess I'm just jealous... I always have been when it comes to you."

"Jealous of what, Elliot?" she said, annoyance reflected in her voice.

He looked into her eyes. "Jealous that you're with _them_, and not _me_," he said softly.

TBC-

Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to everyone who has read my first fanfic, and a special thank you to each of you who have taken time to review... It is much appreciated, and so much fun!**

_Elliot shifted too, and sat looking at the floor. "I'm sorry, Liv. I know it's not. I guess I'm just jealous... I always have been when it comes to you."_

_"Jealous of what, Elliot?" she said, annoyance reflected in her voice._

_He looked into her eyes. "Jealous that you're with them, and not me," he said softly._

**Chapter 3**

**Declaration**

There was no way to misunderstand what Elliot had said—was there? She must have heard him wrong because he would never say anything like that, especially not tonight. She could feel herself start to hyperventilate… She leaned forward, concentrating on breathing, and felt Elliot's hand on her back.

"Liv… Liv, are you okay? I'm really sorry, Olivia. I was way out of line… I shouldn't have said that, especially not tonight." He rubbed her back, trying to calm her. After a few moments he felt her start to relax as her breathing slowed. He pulled her back and into his arms. She didn't resist, although he suspected it was only because she was in shock.

He waited for her to say something, not sure if he really wanted to hear it. Finally he couldn't take the suspense any longer…. He gently lifted her chin, forcing her to look at him. There were tears in her eyes, and when she spoke he could barely hear her. "Is that why you got the divorce, Elliot?" she whispered, as though saying it any louder would make it real. "Did I break up your family?"

"Olivia, you in no way broke up my family! Do you understand me?" He placed his hands on her shoulders and held her away so he could look her fully in the face. "That's why I did things the way I did them, Liv… That's why I didn't get in touch with you. I knew I had to do it right and have it behind me before I could come to you, or you would think it was your fault. And I knew if I saw you, even for a few minutes, I couldn't hide it from you."

Elliot watched her face for a hint that what he was saying was getting through, but he only saw hurt and confusion there. Feeling like he'd been kicked in the gut, he pulled her back into his arms and held her tight against him. "Please understand, Liv: My marriage was not gonna make it no matter what, and we'd known it for a long time. Kathy and I married too young and for all the wrong reasons. We were doomed from the start. We were just kids, Olivia; we didn't even know what love was. We grew to care for each other, and we're grateful for our children. I loved her, Liv, but I was never _in love _with her. I know that now."

Olivia looked into his eyes. "How can you say that, El?"

Elliot touched her face, gently caressing the contours of her cheek with his thumb. "…Because I'm _in love _with _you,_ Olivia. And believe me, there is no comparison between what I felt for Kathy and what I feel for you."

Olivia was mesmerized by his eyes. She'd never seen them so blue... She wanted to look away, but found she couldn't. What she found there was more love and tenderness than anyone had ever focused on her before. It _terrified_ her… She wanted to run. She wanted to hide. She couldn't be responsible for a love like this—for someone caring that much for her. She would screw it up. That's what she did with love—she screwed it up.

Slowly she pushed away from him and stood. He caught her hand, but she pulled it away. "Elliot, please, I need to be alone," she said, moving from the couch.

Elliot jumped up to keep her from leaving the room. He'd seen the panic in her eyes… She was going to run from this.

He stepped closer, tentatively placing his hands on her shoulders. "Liv, I know this was too much. I was wrong to dump this on you tonight—I'm so sorry. But please, please don't shut me out, Liv," he implored, tears in his own eyes. "Don't run from this… I don't expect anything from you. I know you're still processing this whole thing with David."

She let him draw her into his arms. He brushed the hair back from her face so he could see her eyes, but she looked away.

"Just _please_ give us a chance, Liv. We can start as friends…"

Olivia raised her head and looked up at him. "No…"

"We can't be friends?" he asked, bewildered and hurt.

"No, I mean… David—he's not a factor in this, El." A look of pain flashed across her face, but she continued. "He was a mistake I made and now it's over," she said softly, lowering her eyes to hide the emotion there.

Elliot drew her closer, wanting to shield her from the pain, at the same time elated that Haden would not be an obstacle in his path. Olivia met his eyes. "I need time, Elliot. There's so much to sort through, and I'm exhausted. I need to be alone—I need to think. I need to sleep…"

He placed a finger on her lips. "Shhh—its okay, Liv. I'll go if you'll promise me you won't shut me out. Please let me see you tomorrow… Will you promise?"

She held his eyes. "I promise, El," she said softly. He pulled her to him, running his fingers through her silky hair. He held her a moment longer and then tilted her chin so he could look into her eyes once more… This time the panic was gone.

Praying he wasn't making a mistake, he lowered his lips to hers. She reached up and met him... When their lips touched she melted into him. He kissed her gently, tasting the wine that lingered there. Her lips were impossibly soft and full. He'd wanted to kiss her for a lifetime: In fantasy it had been amazing, but the reality far surpassed that fantasy, and when he heard her moan he felt his knees go weak.

**Elliot**

Elliot stood just outside Olivia's door. He leaned heavily against the doorframe, trying to collect himself. He'd wondered what it would be like to kiss Olivia Benson from the moment she'd walked into the squad room thirteen years ago... He may have been married and a devoted family man, but God help him he was only human and Olivia Benson was a knock-out: Smoking hot body and gorgeous face; big brown eyes, and oh, those luscious lips. He'd been powerless to not let his thoughts stray, as had every other man in the unit.

When he realized she was going to be his partner he'd panicked... It was months before he let her get anywhere near Kathy. But out of necessity he'd had to become oblivious to her physical allure; he was married, and he had a job to do. It wasn't that he no longer noticed it: He just became adept at _ignoring_ it. And Olivia was amazingly good at the job - She soon proved to be the best partner he'd ever had... They got so lost in their work that it became easier. Except for those times when it wasn't - Like when she'd get called into the squad room while on a date and walk in all dolled up in some slinky dress and 5-inch heels. Then he didn't stand a prayer.

In spite of all the times he'd thought about kissing her—even fantasized about it—nothing could have prepared him for the real thing. Elliot couldn't recall a single time in his life when he'd been rendered 'weak in the knees' - at least not in a good way. When their lips met and he felt her react to him he had an immediate physical response that he fought to keep under control, but when he heard her moan the battle was lost and the flag was raised, so to speak.

Elliot Stabler had a smile on his face when he walked away from Olivia Benson's door.

**Olivia **

Olivia reached across her pillow to grab the clock from the bedside table: 3:23 – Five minutes later than last time. She lay back against the pillow, resting her arm across her eyes. She stroked the comforter idly with her other hand, trying to force her mind to shut down so she could get some much-needed rest.

The events of the past twenty-four hours had been unprecedented and had left her exhausted—but it was no mystery why sleep eluded her.

Her pain over the break-up with David had been _acute_. But now, less than twelve hours later, she could scarcely find any emotion for it. Elliot had swept in and eclipsed every other emotion she had. She struggled to comprehend how in a few short hours he'd managed to turn her world upside down.

Their relationship had always been complex. At times she'd questioned whether the feelings transcended partner and friend, but on the few occasions there'd been opportunity to explore it, one or both of them pulled away.

And now Elliot had declared he was _in love with her…? _That was something she couldn't wrap her head around—something she couldn't fathom being in the realm of possibility. She'd never allowed herself to hope it could happen; she had, in fact, done everything she could to make sure Elliot remembered he was a married man and had a family to think about.

She couldn't deny a physical attraction—it had been palpable. They'd expended a great deal of energy_ trying_ to deny it. They ran from it, side-stepped it, or just danced around it until in the end it nearly blew their relationship apart. They couldn't be in the same room without snarling and sniping, leaving the other wounded in their wake.

But tonight had changed everything—Elliot Stabler _kissed_ her! That kiss had reached from her lips to her toes taking up residence in other, more intimate parts of her anatomy. When he'd lowered his lips to hers she'd felt a magnetic attraction… She couldn't have pulled away if her very life had depended on it. When their lips touched it had taken incredible restraint to not let the kiss deepen and take her someplace she was not yet ready to go… But he'd left her with a yearning so deep it reached into her soul.

Olivia tried to clear her head. She shifted to her right side bringing her knees up, hoping to get more comfortable and perhaps fall asleep. She adjusted the pillow under her head, and pulled the other one into her arms—which made her wonder what it would be like to have Elliot beside her, holding him, resting her head on his chest—which didn't help her fall asleep. Instead, her mind wandered over the past evening and the moments she'd spent in his arms.

He'd held her so tenderly while she cried. She marveled at how comfortable she was there—how completely safe she felt. How could she have been so hurt by him and so angry with him for almost a year and still feel so safe in his arms tonight?

She flashed to another man's arms: She and David had made love and it was good… But there was no sense of safety there—no sense of belonging—not like there was in Elliot's arms.

God damn him! Why had he come to her _tonight?_ She hadn't even had time to process the breakup with David, and now she didn't know _how_ she felt about him… Except she wished with all her heart she hadn't given herself to another man. And what the hell did that mean?

Another man…? A man _other than_ Elliot Stabler! She knew in her heart she'd never have slept with David if she'd known Elliot was coming back. So did that mean she loved him...? It would certainly explain a lot of her decisions and emotions over the past thirteen years: All the dates she'd turned down because she knew he wouldn't approve; the relationships she'd ended; the running away when he got too close—because he was a husband and a father and could never belong to her—so she better put distance between them; And finally, the agonizing grief she felt, her heart broken when he walked out of her life ten months ago… It all came pouring back.

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. She sat up and leaned back against her headboard, forcing herself to slowly breathe in and out. She'd spent years pushing this down, denying it, running from it, until even she couldn't see it: She _must _be _in love_ with Elliot... It was the only thing that made sense.

**David**

Olivia opened one eye and quickly closed it again. She must finally have slept, because bright sunlight was streaming into the bedroom from the half-lowered blind at the window. She groaned and rolled over, pulling her pillow over her head to block out the light.

"Mornin', Sunshine… I was beginning to think you were gonna sleep all day."

Olivia sat up so fast she knocked the pillow to the floor… God, she had to stop giving out keys!

"David, what the hell are you doing here? You have to leave." She shot out of bed and grabbed her robe from the chair, wrapping it around herself. She tied the sash as she prepared to confront him. He shouldn't be here—he'd made his choice last night. If he thought he was still entitled to sexual favors, he couldn't be more wrong!

David crossed the room to Olivia and undid the sash she'd just tied, lowering the robe from her shoulders. "Hey Beautiful, you don't need that…"

"I told you to leave, David," she said angrily, pushing his hands away and covering herself with the robe. "You have no right to be here anymore… And _leave_ my key on your way out." She turned away from him to head into the bathroom.

David grabbed her arm, swinging her around to face him. "What the hell is the matter with you, Olivia? I just want to talk…"

Olivia grew calm, her voice like steel: "I want you to take your hands off me, David, and leave my apartment, now."

David knew by the look on her face and the tone in her voice he'd better do as she requested... She was a decorated detective and he had no doubt this sexy woman would have no problem kicking his ass. He let go of her arm and walked out of the bedroom.

Olivia waited until she heard her front door close before going into the bathroom. Tears filled her eyes but she would not give in to them... She'd done all the crying she cared to do last night and wasn't in the mood for more. Refusing to spend another ounce of energy pining over David or obsessing over Elliot, she prepared to indulge herself until her mind was clear and her body relaxed.

Olivia slipped out of her robe letting it fall to the floor. She pulled her camisole over her head and stepped out of her panties, dropping them onto the robe. Reaching into the shower she adjusted the spray until it was hot and pulsing. She stepped in, gasping as the first scalding drops pounded into her sensitive skin - The water washed over her in rivulets and tension began to ebb from her body as she stood under the steamy flow. Taking her lemon-ginger soap from its caddy, she languidly rubbed it all over, concentrating on her upper body - Soapy bubbles soon covered her breasts and stomach, spilling onto her thighs and trailing down her shapely legs, their pungent aroma soothing her senses. She turned around, allowing the hot water to pulsate over her back and shoulders until the knots melted away. Leaning her head back into the cascading spray, she slowly massaged shampoo into her scalp, working a foamy lather into her long auburn hair. She rinsed, the rhythm of the water releasing the last of the tightness from her neck that had been threatening to emerge as a headache later on. Before stepping out of the shower she ran her razor along her legs, making certain they were silky smooth.

An hour later she exited the bathroom: mouth minty fresh, hair loosely styled, make-up expertly applied, and dressed in her favorite jeans and tee-shirt. Her mind strayed for a moment to the kiss she and Elliot had shared and she felt warmth radiate to her center… She was smiling as she headed to the kitchen to see if she could find anything that qualified as breakfast.

Olivia was so pre-occupied with her thoughts, her usual keen 'cop' sense failed to warn her that she wasn't alone in the apartment: She wasn't expecting to find David Haden leaning against her counter. "What the hell! Why are you still here, David? Have you been out here the whole time I…?"

"I let myself back in. I'm not leaving until we talk, Olivia, and you're going to listen to me if I have to tie you to a chair." David took a step toward her as though to make good on his threat.

TBC

Thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks to everyone who read Chapter 3, and especially to those who reviewed... Some of you voiced a fair amount of concern for Olivia's well-being, so tried to get this one up a little earlier to ease the angst. As I indicated in my intro, there are some chapters that deal with flashbacks to sexual assault...**

_"I let myself back in. I'm not leaving until we talk, Olivia, and you're going to listen to me if I have to tie you to a chair." David took a step toward her as though to make good on his threat._

**Chapter 4**

**Flashback **

Olivia had lost all patience with the men in her life: Showing up unannounced; entering without permission; picking fights with her and then refusing to leave. She was in no mood to accommodate David. "Fine, you stay here... I'll leave," she said, grabbing her phone and keys and stuffing them into her pockets. She headed to the door but David reached it first, blocking her way.

She was alarmed by the look on his face. It occurred to her she really didn't know David—not the way she knew Elliot. It might be better to let him say what he had on his mind—then ask him to go. "Okay, you've got five minutes, David."

"Olivia, we left on good terms last night...What the hell happened?" he asked angrily.

Sometimes the stupidity of men just made her crazy. "You can't be _serious,_ David!" she yelled. "You told me you were choosing a _new job_ over _me_, we couldn't see each other anymore, and then you wouldn't even look me in the face to say good-bye! And you think we parted on good terms? Are you for real?" Her brown eyes were nearly black with fury. "You said everything I needed to hear last night, David…There's nothing left for us to talk about, so please leave."

"You gave me five minutes and I intend to use them," he replied harshly, his frustration palpable. "You aren't going to listen to me so maybe this will get your attention..." She stepped back uncertainly as he moved toward her. Before she could react he pushed her against the wall, pinning her arms securely between their bodies. He fisted his hands in her hair, pulling her head back until he had access to her mouth. She was unable to resist as he crushed his lips to hers, demanding entrance with his tongue.

She struggled against him, but he held her fast. In an instant, she was back in the basement at Sealview, at the mercy of Harris. She couldn't move; she couldn't breathe; her chest tightened until she was gasping for air. Before she could regain control or even fight back, everything went black.

David felt her go limp in his arms and thought she'd stopped fighting him and was responding to his kiss the way he'd hoped she would... But she became dead weight and he realized something was dreadfully wrong.

"Oh my God Olivia, I'm so sorry… oh God!" He caught her, lifting her in his arms and carrying her to the couch, gently laying her down. She started to stir... With consciousness came realization, and Olivia was in 'fight' or 'flight' mode. Unfortunately for David, she chose to fight: She sprang up from the couch, jabbing her elbow into his chin, quickly followed by a knee to his groin. He doubled over and she was on top of him throwing punches when she realized that the man whose face she was ready to pulverize was not Lowell Harris, but David Haden—looking frightened for his life.

David saw the recognition in her eyes. "Olivia, its okay, you're all right... It's me, Olivia - No one's gonna hurt you." He spoke calmly and soothingly in spite of the fire in his groin—trying to bring her back from wherever she'd gone.

Olivia looked down at him, confusion clouding her eyes. She could hear him, but she couldn't make sense of the situation. And then she remembered. She gave him a look of such contempt that he cringed, knowing things could never be okay between them now… He'd crossed a line that Olivia Benson could not forgive.

She got off him and slowly stood up... She went into the bathroom and David could hear her retching. He managed to sit up, aware that he couldn't move any further until the pain eased a bit.

When he had watched Olivia walk away last night, David realized he'd made a dreadful mistake: He didn't want to face a life without this beautiful brunette in it. He'd called the DA's office and turned the job down. He should have gone after her then, but they were exhausted by the events of the past few weeks so he'd decided to wait until morning when they'd both be refreshed.

He couldn't wait to see her this morning… He came over planning to surprise her. When she hadn't answered the door he'd figured she was in the shower so he'd let himself in. It never occurred to him that she'd be angry and refuse to talk to him. He was desperate to make her listen, and words weren't going to work. He remembered how responsive she was every time he took her in his arms and kissed her, and he hoped it would work its charm one more time. He would_ never_ have done _anything_ to hurt her.

Her response had caught him completely off-guard: He'd seen the look of sheer terror on her face and wondered if she was experiencing some sort of flashback, possibly to a sexual assault. It made sense that she might have a history of sexual abuse—it would explain her dedication as an SVU detective and her incredible empathy for the victims. If only he'd known…

**Surrender**

Weak from vomiting, Olivia leaned over the bathroom sink to wash her face, holding her long hair out of the way with one hand. She splashed handfuls of cool water on her cheeks soothing her skin, and into her mouth, rinsing it thoroughly. She then brushed her teeth, being careful not to brush too rigorously, not wanting to trigger a gag reflex—hoping the taste of the toothpaste wouldn't make her sick again. After rinsing one more time—this time with her mouthwash, she felt ready to leave the bathroom. To her great relief, when she stepped into her living room she found David was gone.

She _hated _being sick and she always was when she had a panic attack—and since she'd had next to nothing to eat for the past twenty-four hours, her stomach muscles ached and her throat was raw from dry-heaving. She dragged a pillow and blanket off her bed and unsteadily made her way to the couch where she curled up on one end. She covered herself with the blanket and held the pillow tightly to her chest.

Concentrating on breathing, she tried to shake the near-panic that still lingered. She thought about calling her therapist, but Olivia was sure she'd want her to come in and she couldn't bear to leave the apartment.

She'd not had a full-blown panic attack in two years—it had been even longer since she'd had a flashback to the horror of that night. Olivia had worked hard in both group and personal therapy to learn how to manage the symptoms, and had thought the worst was behind her.

It wasn't surprising to her that the panic had resurfaced recently, with the cumulative effects of the turmoil in her life over the past 18 months: Calvin; Elliot; Lauren; her brother; endless case loads each more horrifying then the last… All compounded by the intense stress of the last few weeks with the Pena case and the quagmire it had created for her with both David _and _Bayard. Add the break-up with David, and Elliot's re-emergence in her life last night, and then David's stupid stunt this morning—and it was the 'perfect storm.'

She'd felt the panic flitting just outside her consciousness for the past several days. It had made its presence known as she drove home last night after she and David ended their relationship, and reared its ugly head again over the course of the evening.

The panic had receded for a while when Elliot took her in his arms… And then it dawned on her: Every time Elliot had held her last night, even when he was _restraining_ her, she had calmed and the panic had ebbed.

Suddenly, the need to be in his arms was visceral: That was where she'd feel safe, and right now that was all she wanted. She'd promised to see him today, but if he found her like this she'd have to tell him about Sealview—_and_ about what happened with David. She wasn't sure she could bring herself to do either.

Olivia was a very private person. She hadn't shared the intimate details of her assault in the basement at Sealview with _anyone_, but she'd kept them from Elliot for a specific reason: She hadn't wanted to lose her partner. It would be like Gitano all over again, except this time Elliot would be right… She hadn't been able to take care of herself.

Consequently, he knew nothing about the PTSD symptoms she'd suffered after Lowell Harris's brutal assault on her. He didn't know about the flashbacks, the panic attacks, the nightmares, the insomnia, or how many long months she'd slept on the couch with the TV and every light in the apartment on. If he knew all she'd hidden from him he might decide he could never trust her again, or worse: She was too damaged. She was afraid he would turn around and walk right back out of her life – She didn't think she could survive losing him again.

…And she was pretty sure he would _kill _David, or at least seriously hurt him. As angry as she was at David—and she was furious—she didn't believe he'd been trying to hurt her. He'd had no way of knowing about the incident at Sealview… She'd seen no reason to share it with him either.

Olivia slowly got up and made her way to the kitchen to make some ginger tea, hoping to soothe her still unsettled stomach. As she reached into the cupboard for a cup, she noticed a folded piece of paper on the counter. She reached to pick it up and a key fell from its folds—the key she'd given to David. There was a note written on the inside:

"_Olivia, I am so sorry… Please forgive me. David"_

A single tear slipped down her cheek as she set the key and the note inside the cupboard, and resumed making her tea. She didn't have the emotional energy to process this right now and she couldn't bear to cry anymore… She knew she'd need to deal with it later—but not right now.

After bringing the kettle to a boil and pouring the water over the teabag in her cup, she added honey to the steaming mixture and carefully carried it back to the living room, reclaiming her cozy nest on the couch.

She nursed the hot brew, forcing thoughts of David from her mind, and fighting the panic that stilled danced just outside her periphery. The need to feel Elliot's arms around her became even stronger… She continued to battle with it, weighing it against her dread of telling him about Sealview. Suddenly, there was a sharp knock at the door. Olivia jumped, startled by the unexpected interruption, her nerves still shattered. She reluctantly made her way to the door, somehow knowing it would be Elliot.

"Liv, open up," he called through the door. "Olivia, please, I want to make sure you're okay… Let me in."

Olivia knew there was no point in pretending she wasn't home—he'd just use his key. She was surprised he hadn't already. Slowly she unlocked the door and he rushed in.

He took one look at her and pulled her to him, wrapping his strong arms around her. She felt the panic lessen as she surrendered herself to him, but Elliot was nearly frantic: "Liv, what's going on? Are you alright? I saw David Haden outside and he looks like hell..." He looked down at her, his eyes filled with concern. "You're trembling, Liv—what the hell happened here?"

He waited for Olivia to answer but felt her body tense as she tightened her grip on him. Finally she spoke. "El, I'm fine—really. Please just hold me for a little while," she whispered.

"Liv, I'll hold you as long you need… It's okay, baby," he soothed as he led her to the couch. Elliot settled into one corner and pulled Olivia to him, draping the blanket around her as she folded herself into his arms and buried her face in his neck. He could feel her still trembling and knew she was fighting to keep her composure. She shuddered and he drew her closer, whispering comforting words as he massaged her neck and shoulders, and rubbed her back. After a few minutes he could feel her body begin to relax against him. She snuggled in deeper, resting her head on his chest. He held her tight, neither of them speaking for a time.

Elliot glanced down at her, nestled in his arms. "Comfy?' he asked, brushing a strand of hair away from her eyes.

"Mmmm," she sighed not bothering to lift her head or use her words. She couldn't seem to get close enough to him; he resisted the impulse to pinch himself to see if he was dreaming.

But this was not 'typical' Olivia Benson behavior: She scoffed at angst, her disdain for melodrama well known. She was one of the least needy women he'd ever encountered, never allowing anyone to coddle her or take care of her. So while it felt wonderful to have her in his arms and God knew he was content to hold her for as long as she wanted or needed to be there, he _was_ concerned about what had gotten her to this state.

He'd certainly been surprised when he ran into Haden looking like he'd just gone three rounds with a she-devil, outside of Olivia's building. Elliot, suspecting Olivia may have been the 'she-devil' he'd encountered, had rushed inside taking the stairs two at a time to be sure she was okay. Obviously, Haden had some bearing on her current condition: The thought rankled and he fought the urge to go find him and beat him senseless—but he wasn't about to leave her alone, and he was trying to manage those impulses in healthier ways… He was finding that much harder to do when it involved Olivia Benson.

Olivia stirred and Elliot leaned down placing a kiss on her brow. She lifted her head to look at him. "Hey," she said softly, her brown eyes searching his.

"Hey yourself," he smiled. "…you feelin' any better?"

She moved to sit up, keeping her arms wrapped around him as though he were her lifeline. "Yeah—you make me feel so safe, El," she whispered, suddenly shy and self-conscious.

"I _love_ that I can make you feel safe, Olivia," he said as he pulled her closer. He paused for a few moments before continuing. "But I need to know what's making you feel _not_ safe, baby… What's going on, Liv? Did Haden hurt you?"

She slowly pulled out of his arms, but Elliot drew her back and tenderly lifted her face to his. "Olivia, that's not how it works anymore between you and me," he said gently. "If we hope to have a relationship of _any _kind, we need to start with honesty… We need to stop hiding our dirty little secrets from each other." He spoke to her soothingly, caressing her face as he gazed into her eyes. "Do you agree, Liv?" She looked away, but gave the slightest nod, laying her head back on his chest and burrowing into him.

Elliot drew her closer. He nuzzled his face into her hair, the silky strands tickling his nose and her scent making his thoughts stray… But he knew he needed to stay focused.

"I know you think you're tough enough to handle anything that comes your way, Olivia—and God knows that's the case ninety-nine point nine percent of the time. I also know how much you hate it when I see you vulnerable... But I got a pretty good glimpse of that last night, Liv, and guess what? It didn't scare me away, baby. It only makes me want you more. God knows, I have my vulnerable moments too. Believe me, Olivia… I want to be able to share that side of _myself _with _you_."

He continued softly, a playful note in his voice. "And I kinda like 'Vulnerable Liv' 'cause she lets me hold her," he said placing kisses in her hair.

Looking down he saw the ghost of a smile on Olivia's face. She sat up and slowly pulled away, releasing her hold on him. "Okay," she sighed. She continued, speaking softly at first and then with determination. "I have a lot to tell you, Elliot - Things I should have told you four years ago… But I need to eat something first."

She stood, picked up her cup from the coffee table and made her way to the kitchen, Elliot following behind. "Do you actually have any food in the house?" he asked with a smirk. She chose to ignore his smartass remark.

Olivia pulled bread from a cupboard and reached into a canister for a teabag. She filled the tea kettle from the faucet and set it on the stove to boil.

Elliot watched her with amusement. "Is that _it_?"

"No, I'm gonna _toast_ the bread," she said, trying to hide her own amusement.

"Liv, I'll be glad to order take-out - I'm not hungry myself, but…"

"No, this is exactly what I want," she interrupted before he could finish.

"Olivia, there's no nutrition in that…"

Again she interrupted him. "I don't need nutrition right now, Elliot… I need to soothe my tummy."

"You're not feeling well?" he asked with concern.

"I'm OK now." Olivia looked away and continued, "I had a panic attack and they make me queasy… I always get pretty sick afterwards," she explained. "I just need to take it easy on my stomach right now, that's all."

Elliot watched her. When she'd finished with her explanation he stepped closer and reached for her hand. "And you're gonna tell me about it after you eat?" he asked quietly.

She stepped into his arms and rested her head on his shoulder. "Yeah, El, I promise."

Elliot lifted her chin and held her eyes with his. His gaze shifted to her lips and he hesitantly lowered his mouth to hers. When they touched, Olivia was amazed as her lips hungrily claimed his… She would have doubted she could react amorously to any man's advances right now: But there was no restraint—no holding back—and no doubt that Elliot's touch was welcome… _This_ was what she wanted.

He was so surprised he momentarily lost his bearings as Olivia took the lead. Her hands moved up over his chest and shoulders and she placed one hand on either side of his head drawing him closer as though she couldn't chance having him slip away. He recovered, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her to him. Her lips were so full… He heard her moan softly as he plundered them. He could feel her tongue, eager for entrance and he willingly opened to her, tasting her for the first time as their kiss deepened. Elliot's knees grew weak, and he backed against the counter for support, keeping his arms around her… She tasted like ginger. He reached up and fisted his hands in her silky hair as they continued their explorations, completely oblivious to their surroundings.

They'd lost all sense of time and place until the tea kettle emitted an ear-splitting whistle… They both jumped. Olivia reluctantly pulled away to silence the beast.

TBC

Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

WARNING: This chapter contains details to a sexual assault.

_They'd lost all sense of time and place until the tea kettle emitted an ear-splitting whistle… They both jumped. Olivia reluctantly pulled away to silence the beast._

**Chapter 5**

**Sealview**

Olivia's head rested in Elliot's lap and he ran his fingers lovingly through her auburn hair. He wondered how he'd ever managed to stay focused all the years he'd worked side by side with this beautiful woman. She looked peaceful and he hated to disturb her, but it was important they discuss the topic she'd so skillfully avoided for the past half hour, since finishing her tea and toast.

"Liv, what happened with Haden this morning," he asked, tracing a path along her cheek and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Olivia slowly sat up and scooted to the opposite end of the couch, creating some distance between them. She bent her knees, wrapped her arms around them and drew them to her chest. This was the moment she'd been dreading, but she was determined to see it through. "I need to tell you about Sealview first, El," she said quietly. She rested her chin on her knees. Her hair fell forward, framing her face and effectively hiding her eyes.

Elliot was astounded. It was a subject long overdue, but he'd never expected her to offer it voluntarily. He looked over at Olivia; he knew this would come at a cost to her. She looked so small—so lost and defenseless... Like a little girl. It tore him apart. He wanted to take her in his arms and protect her from everything that could cause her pain for the rest of his life, but this was something they both needed. He knew it had to be done on her terms.

"I wasn't raped, El." She glanced up for a moment and caught his eye. "But I came _really_ close." There was a catch in her voice. She spoke so softly that Elliot leaned closer to hear. She lowered her eyes and continued speaking, her voice stronger. "From the time I arrived in lockup I was sexually harassed by one guard in particular - CO Matthew Parker. I thought he was the man who'd raped Ashley Tyler and murdered her mother, so I was watching him. I hadn't suspected Lowell Harris... He was the Captain and he wasn't even on my radar.

"Parker had me in his custody after the riot. I was cuffed and I _knew _what he had in mind for me, so I was relieved when Harris came along. Parker told him I was responsible for the riot and Harris said he was taking me to the 'hole'... solitary lockup. I was caught completely off-guard when he took me to the basement instead. I _never_ should have let him take me down there, Elliot—I should have done something..."

"What could you possibly have done, Olivia? He was the Captain and you were his prisoner… Who could you have appealed to for help? You were in handcuffs for God's sake, and there'd just been a riot that was being blamed on you." Elliot's voice was full of emotion as he moved closer to her. "This wasn't your fault, Olivia - You've got to know that..."

Olivia carefully avoided his eyes. "My head knows that, Elliot... I just can't seem to make it connect with my psyche."

"This wasn't your fault, Liv! You tell that to victims all the time—you know it's true." His voice broke and he moved closer, reaching out to touch her face. Olivia held up her hands, indicating Elliot needed to back off and give her some space.

"I'm sorry, Elliot... You've wanted to hear this and I've got to get through it. If you touch me now I'm gonna fall apart. Please, El—just let me do it," she pleaded, pushing herself further into the corner of the couch.

Elliot sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He rubbed his hand over his face, trying to rein in his emotions. He was going to have to listen to something he didn't want to hear—something that was going to tear his heart out—something that was going to make him want to go to Rikers and murder Harris in cold blood. He fought against the rage he could feel building in his chest and realized he had to get it under control for Olivia's sake—and his own. He had to be strong for her because this was a story she needed to tell... And he needed to hear it.

"I'm sorry, Liv... Go ahead."

Olivia took a deep breath and continued, speaking with a rapid staccato rhythm, as if by relating the ordeal quickly enough the terrible images couldn't touch her: "When we got down to the basement he locked the door. There was a mattress on the floor, so I knew what was coming... I tried to reason with him, but he said it was too late. I asked him what he wanted from me and he said 'What every man wants…' He forced me to look at him and whispered 'and you're gonna give it to me' and then he threw me down on the mattress. My hands were cuffed behind my back, but I got up and tried to run… He grabbed me and I fought him." Olivia's voice faltered and she looked up briefly to catch his eye. "I fought so hard, El – I kicked, and screamed and screamed, and he said no one could hear—no one would help me. He pushed me against the wall... He said he was going to take his time with me and started kissing me. I got away but he grabbed me again and slammed my face into the wall and pinned me with his body. He was grinding his erection against me and he had his hands all over me touching me everywhere and..."

"My God, Olivia... I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. Liv, you were my partner—I should have been there!" Elliot's eyes were haunted as he visibly fought to bring himself under control.

"Elliot, please let me finish 'cause I don't ever wanna tell this story again to anyone—please..." Silent tears ran down her face. "He took my cuffs off and I elbowed him and punched him in the face and got away but I didn't know where to go or how to get out so I hid. He came looking for me… He dragged his baton along the chain link fencing—it made a horrible sound. I still hear it in my nightmares: He's coming for me and I hear that terrible sound..." Olivia shuddered, but continued. "He was kicking things out of the way and breaking wooden crates with the baton… I'd never been so terrified." She stopped for a moment and then continued reflectively. "It was the same feeling I used to get when I was a little girl having a bad dream about a monster chasing me... Except then I'd wake up and it would be over—it wasn't real," she said sadly.

Elliot thought his heart would break. He wanted to take her in his arms and make her stop—transport her to a place where this had never happened. But he knew he was powerless… and he had to let her do this.

She dropped the rapid cadence, speaking slowly now, as though the accounting of the events had exhausted her. "He told me it would be worse for me if I didn't come out... That he could just claim I escaped and he had to use deadly force. And then he came around the corner and shone his flashlight in my eyes. I was so scared El," she whispered. "I knew there was nothing else I could do—I knew he was going to rape me, and probably kill me, and—no one knew where I was.

"I told him I wouldn't fight anymore," she sighed with resignation. "He grabbed me and hit me in the stomach and the back of my legs with the baton, forcing me down on the mattress." She looked up at Elliot. "But I couldn't... I _couldn't_ just let him rape me. So I elbowed him again and ran to the door. It was locked. I pounded on it and tried to open it and screamed for help… He grabbed me and punched me in the face and knocked me down—and then he handcuffed me to the bars on the door."

Olivia started to hyperventilate and Elliot rushed to take her in his arms, tears streaming down his face. She didn't push him away this time... She let him hold her until her breathing returned to normal.

After a few minutes Olivia broke away. Elliot took her hand and she let him hold it, but only for a moment. She continued, still avoiding his eyes. "I need to finish, El," she said, wiping at her own tears.

Elliot didn't think he could bear to hear any more. His heart had been trampled and his mind assaulted with visions he would never be able to erase… But he knew she had to keep going.

"He handcuffed me to the door and unzipped his pants and took his penis out... That's how I knew he had a mole on it. He held my face with his hands so I couldn't move and told me if I bit him he'd kill me. I was crying and begging him not to make me… He was getting ready to force it in my mouth when Fin came in and stopped him."

Elliot said a silent prayer of thankfulness that Fin had come through for her. He determined he was going to thank him fervently the first opportunity he had.

Olivia was crying openly now. She finally raised her eyes to his and continued—the slightest hint of satisfaction in her voice. "I was still cuffed to the door but I pulled myself to my feet and _arrested _him."

He moved to take her in his arms, but she still resisted. "El, there's more. I need to do it now—please?"

Eliot looked into her eyes... He was afraid if he couldn't hold her soon he was going to come undone. "OK Liv." Tears coursed unashamedly down his face.

Resting her head against the back of the couch she started speaking again, her voice weary. "I was all right for a while after the assault—or at least I thought I was." She caught Elliot's eye for a moment. "I mean, god, I hadn't even been raped, El—I should have been okay. But I started having nightmares... I couldn't sleep in my bed so I slept on the couch with the TV on – I left every light in the apartment on all night. Pretty soon I wasn't sleeping at all. I thought it would get better, but it didn't… I couldn't concentrate at work, I couldn't eat, I was jumpy and jittery—my hands shook, loud noises startled me..."

Elliot's eyes were filled with compassion. "You were suffering from PTSD, Olivia. It doesn't matter that he didn't get the opportunity to finish the act—it's certainly what he intended—it's what you thought was going to happen. He sexually assaulted and brutalized you, Liv."

"I know. I thought I could handle it, but it got worse. I started having flashbacks, and panic attacks, and it was affecting my work. I began seeing a shrink and going to group counseling for victims of abuse who had PTSD."

"Olivia, why didn't I know about any of this? I was your partner for God's sake! I should have known, Liv..."

"I know, Elliot... I'm so sorry," she whispered. "During the worst of it I was working a lot with Fin—he knew what was going on so he had my back. I couldn't tell you, Elliot. If I told you, you wouldn't have wanted to be my partner—like with Gitano. But this time you would have been right… I hadn't been able to take care of myself."

Elliot stood up. This was too much—this was too painful. He was to blame for so much of it: the Gitano thing and the horrible way he'd treated her afterwards. He knew it hadn't been her fault… It'd been his, just as it was with Jenna. Olivia had been living in hell and his head had been so far up his ass he couldn't see it! And then he'd walked out of her life without even saying goodbye… He'd been a selfish prick! There was no way she could get beyond this: No way would she ever forgive him—no way _should_ she forgive him. He walked towards the door.

"Elliot, please don't leave me again. I'm so sorry, El, please..."

_She_ was sorry...? She thought this was _her_ fault? He turned to look at her and the desolation on her face nearly brought him to his knees. "You want me to stay…? After the way I've treated you, Olivia...?"

"Please, El…"

He rushed over to where she sat on the couch and knelt down in front of her, taking her hands in his. "Liv, I _always_ wanted you for my partner… I never wanted anyone but you. You're the best cop I know, and the best partner I ever had, Olivia. Do you know how jealous I was of Fin when you were working with him? I hated that he was the one with you in Sealview and not me—and afterwards you just shut me out. I _swear _Liv, if I'd been with you this wouldn't have happened."

"El, it wasn't _Fin's_ fault ..."

"I know. That's not what I meant… Believe me I'm more grateful to him than you'll ever know, Liv. It _wasn't _his fault—it was mine. I was the one who understood you well enough to have your back and keep you safe. I should have been there, Liv... I could have taken care of you. Damn it! I was supposed to keep you safe."

"Elliot, you couldn't have gone in with me… You know that! They knew who you were. You couldn't go in... It wasn't your fault, El."

Olivia moved from the couch and knelt beside him on the floor. She reached up and gently caressed his face, the truth suddenly crystal clear to her. "This wasn't your fault, Elliot… _or_ Fin's." She held his eyes, tears of relief filling her own… "It wasn't my fault either, El," she whispered. "This was Lowell Harris's fault."

**Forgiveness**

Elliot stood and reached his hand down to Olivia. She took it and he gently helped her up, taking her into his arms. He didn't know if he could talk around the lump in his throat and there were things he needed to say to her—but for now he just wanted to hold her and never let her go. He reflected on the horrendous assault she'd suffered at the hands of Lowell Harris and how close she'd come to being brutally raped... An image of Harris's cruel hands on her slammed into his gut. He was going to need help working through the rage coursing through his body and all but consuming him. It would take every bit of restraint he could muster to keep from making a trip to Rikers—but that would serve no purpose and would only make things more traumatic for Olivia in the end. He brushed her hair back and caressed her cheek, tracing the track of her tears. Bending down he tenderly kissed her forehead, his heart full of love for this incredible woman. He knew he didn't deserve her, but he vowed he would spend the rest of his life making himself worthy of her love if she would let him.

Olivia searched his eyes… He'd been visibly shaken by her account. She hadn't thought about the powerful impact it might have on him—that _her_ pain would become _his_ pain. It was clearly etched on his face and she could see him struggling to hold it together. "El...?"

Elliot put a finger to her lips. "Shhh, Liv… I need to say something before we can move forward—if you still want to, that is…?" he added uncertainly. Cradling her face in his hands he looked intently into her eyes. "Olivia, I'm so sorry I was such a miserable prick to you the last few years of our partnership…" She started to object but he shook his head. "No Liv, I need to say this—please let me."

Unable to hide the emotion in his voice, he continued. "Olivia, I need to know if you can forgive me for the things I said to you after Gitano killed Ryan... God forgive me, Liv, I didn't mean them. I didn't understand until now how _deeply_ I hurt you—I was so wrapped up in the crap in my own life I never saw how much it affected you. I am so, so sorry."

His voice cracked and tears overflowed his eyes. "It wasn't you I was frustrated with, Liv... It was me. I talked to Huang afterwards and he helped me understand—I should have told you then but I was so fucked up. I was reeling because Kathy had left me… I couldn't see my kids—my whole life was spiraling out of control. I was losing the people I loved the most and I was terrified of losing you too. I don't think I could have survived that…"

Elliot looked devastated and Olivia's heart wrenched. She reached up, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him to her as she pressed her lips to his. She kissed him gently, looking into his eyes before she spoke.

"There's nothing to forgive," she said softly. "You said it last night, El: We were equal partners in screwing up the last six years and I accept my share of the responsibility." Reaching up she tenderly stroked his face, continuing to look into his eyes. "I said some pretty awful things to you, too, Elliot... And I _did _shut you out. There were lots of reasons we did the things we did... The dynamics in our relationship had gotten so screwed up."

Her voice was soothing as her fingers gently massaged the tightness in his neck and shoulders. "We were more to each other than just partners, Elliot... I understand that now. We didn't know how to handle the feelings—and we couldn't acknowledge them—not even to ourselves." She hesitated for a moment before looking deeply into his eyes. Her voice barely above a whisper, she continued. "But we're here now, El - Let's not blow this…"

Elliot placed an arm around her waist and pulled her closer. He ran his other hand through her hair, letting the silky tendrils drift through his fingers as he drew her lips to his. His kiss was tender—almost reverent. His voice was husky with desire when he spoke. "Olivia, I'm so in love with you. I've spent the past 10 months working my way back—trying to open a door for us to be together. I've missed you so much, Liv. Believe me… I'm gonna do everything in my power to _not_ screw this up."

Olivia wrapped her arms more tightly around him, resting her head on his chest. They stood holding each other for several minutes. So much had happened in such a short time and she was reeling from emotional overload—completely overwhelmed. Smiling up at him she stole one last kiss and stepped out of his arms.

TBC

Thank you for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

_Olivia wrapped her arms more tightly around him, resting her head on his chest. They stood holding each other for several minutes. So much had happened in such a short time and she was reeling from emotional overload—completely overwhelmed. Smiling up at him she stole one last kiss and stepped out of his arms. _

**Chapter 6**

**Contemplation**

Olivia sighed, rubbing her hand over her stomach. "I can't tell if I'm still queasy or just hungry," she said looking apologetically at Elliot as she headed to the kitchen. "I've had almost nothing to eat today and I've gotta get some food into me—I'm just not sure what I want…"

"I know just what you need," Elliot said shrugging into his jacket. "Give me ten minutes and I'll be back with some chicken soup and homemade bread from the bodega across from my place... You want anything else?"

"Yeah, some ginger-ale would be great. Thanks, El," she said almost shyly. "I'm not used to having anyone take care of me… It's kinda nice."

Elliot had his hand on the doorknob but turned around and came back, taking Olivia into his arms. "You better get used to it, baby, 'cause I can't think of anything I'd rather be doin'." He kissed her soundly, leaving her breathless, and disappeared out the door.

Olivia stood smiling for a moment before she made her way to the kitchen to gather bowls and utensils for their meal and set them on the table. She lit a few candles and set out glasses. Then she sat down to wait for Elliot's return.

The last few hours had been difficult and emotionally exhausting for both of them: She was relieved she'd finally told Elliot about Sealview, but it was disconcerting that someone else now knew the truth about what Lowell Harris did to her that night. She hadn't even revealed the details to her therapist... As hard as she'd tried to hide it from Elliot, he was the _only_ one she'd ever tell—he was the only one who made her feel safe.

At the moment however, she mostly felt numb from all that had transpired since last evening. She was tired of the angst and the tears… She _wasn't_ a 'drama queen' and this was uncomfortable territory for her. She'd experienced a myriad of emotions in the last twenty-four hours and she longed for surcease from it all. She resolved she was done with the drama and the tears, determined to somehow find and restore the 'real' Olivia Benson.

Her mind wandered to the passionate kiss she and Elliot shared earlier today. When she'd been in his arms her response had been powerful—primal. It had shocked her—and shaken her to her core. And there was no doubt about the affect she'd had on him… He couldn't hide his arousal from her, though she could tell he was working hard to control it.

The chemistry between them could no longer be denied: They'd uncapped something that couldn't be ignored and they wouldn't be stopping at a few kisses if they spent much time together—but she didn't know if she was ready to take it further. There was no question about her desire: She wanted him so much her teeth ached. But the break-up with David was too recent to start another physical relationship… That wasn't her style.

She was certain of one thing, though: She didn't want to be alone tonight. The effects of the flashback and panic still lingered; she found herself dreading the long night that stretched before her.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Elliot came through the door, a tempting aroma wafting in with him. He unloaded his burden, removing the cartons from the bag and placing them on the table. Olivia ladled soup into their bowls and broke chunks from the loaf of homemade bread. He'd been so right: This was what she'd needed. She ate without speaking, savoring every bite.

**Trust**

The table was cleared and dishes were done. Olivia was curled contentedly on the couch with her head in Elliot's lap… He slowly ran his fingers through her silky hair, as they watched an old movie. Elliot looked down and gently squeezed her shoulder to get her attention. "You never told me what happened this morning with you and Haden, Liv. What caused the panic attack?"

Olivia groaned. Reaching for the remote she muted the TV. She'd hoped he had forgotten about David. "Elliot, there really isn't much to tell… It wasn't a big deal. I overreacted to something he did—because of the PTSD. That's why I told you about Sealview, El—so you'd understand about the panic attack."

"Olivia, you were a mess when I got here this morning. You were trembling… You'd been throwing up—and I know how much you hate that, so don't tell me you just overreacted to something… I know you. There's a hell of a lot more to it than that…"

She sat up and shifted onto her knees facing him. "That is _exactly_ the reason I don't want to tell you, Elliot. You're gonna blow it all out of proportion, and…"

Elliot put his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "Liv, we can't keep things from each other. You can't hide something from me because you think I won't handle it well. We're trying to build a new relationship, Olivia, so we've gotta trust each other. I've done a _lot _of work on my anger. Trust me—huh… Just a little?" He said smiling into her eyes.

Olivia looked down and didn't say anything for a few moments. "OK…" she said hesitantly, looking him in the eye. "But you have to promise me you won't overreact and you won't _ever _confront David about it. This is between David and me—and I can handle it."

Elliot hated to promise before he knew all the facts—he had a feeling it was a promise he'd regret making. Against his better judgment he agreed to her terms.

"This morning when I woke up David was in my bedroom." Looking a little chagrinned she glanced at Elliot. "He had a key too, she admitted reluctantly. "He wanted to talk to me, but I wasn't in the mood to listen. He got a little forceful..."

Elliot visibly tensed and Olivia touched his arm. "See Elliot… You can't handle it!"

"Liv, I'm fine. Continue."

"I asked him to leave and I thought he had. I took a shower and got dressed and when I came out into the kitchen he was still here. I told him I didn't want to talk. He pushed me against the wall and started kissing me. My arms were trapped between us and I couldn't move so I couldn't fight him. I couldn't breathe… I must have hyperventilated." Olivia's voice faltered. She could feel the panic start to edge in…

Elliot took her in his arms and she felt it slowly ebb. "What happened, Liv?" he asked her gently.

"I had a flashback. I thought I was back in the basement at Sealview with Harris... It was so real, Elliot. I guess I blacked out because the next thing I knew I was attacking David. I kneed him in the groin and was on top of him punching him—but he talked me down."

He hadn't been so far off: Haden _had_ tangled with a she-devil. Elliot allowed himself a brief moment of satisfaction knowing she'd kneed him in the 'nads.

Olivia continued. "I felt really sick so I went into the bathroom... I was in there for a long time and when I came out he was gone."

"And you think I shouldn't be upset about Haden forcing himself on you. Why _is_ that exact…?"

"He was frustrated because I wouldn't talk to him, Elliot… He wasn't trying to assault me. I should have listened to what he had to say. He was trying to get my attention and he had no way of knowing I had a history of sexual assault. I'm_ furious_ with him El, but I know he wasn't trying to hurt me. It just happened so fast it triggered the flashback."

"Liv, have you ever had a flashback that powerful, or blacked out before…?"

Olivia moved away from him. "Yeah, one other time—but it was over three years ago. I was trying to break up a fight and one of the guys threw me into a heavy glass frame... I guess that triggered it. I hit my head so hard I broke the glass."

"Did you talk to your doctor about blacking out, Liv?"

"I told my therapist."

"What did she say?"

Olivia looked down. "She said I should talk to my physician."

"And did you?" Elliot asked, trying to see Olivia's eyes.

"No… I just figured it was because I'd hit my head so hard. It never happened again so I thought I was okay. I haven't had any flashbacks at all for the last couple of years... And just an occasional panic attack when I'm under a lot of stress," she finished, avoiding his eyes.

"Are you gonna see your doctor now?" he pressed.

Olivia didn't answer his question. She continued to avoid eye contact.

"Olivia, look at me," he said, frustrated by her lack of response.

She jumped up from the couch and stomped out to the kitchen. "Elliot, don't make this into a big friggin' deal! I'm fine... I've just been under a lot of stress lately. I don't need a_ babysitter_, Stabler—so back off!"

He followed her to the kitchen but she stormed into the bedroom, Elliot in close pursuit. "Damn it, Olivia! This is nothing to fuck around with… If you don't want to take care of yourself you should at least be concerned about the impact this has on your ability to do your job."

Olivia reeled around to face him, fury in her eyes. "You son-of-a-bitch…! After all the times I covered your ass when you were out of control... If I thought for one minute I was endangering anyone else I would remove myself from the job and you know it!"

"Liv... Liv, this isn't a pissing contest. I care about you and wanna know that you're okay." Elliot reached out to pull her to him, but she shrugged him away.

"Don't, Elliot. You can't come waltzing back into my life after all this time and tell me how to run it. If you cared so much about me how the hell could you have just walked away and left me?" Olivia's composure crumpled. "I missed you so much," she whispered, trying to control the sobs that were stealing her voice. "I wanted to die when you wouldn't return my phone calls." She looked into his eyes, tears streaming down her face. "Elliot, I thought we were friends—that we meant something to each other. And you just walked away from me without even saying goodbye. How could you do that, El? You were the only one I ever trusted to be there for me… Even when things were strained between us I knew at the end of the day I could count on you." Olivia let him pull her into his arms as she gave way to the sobs.

Elliot ran his hands through her hair and lifted her chin until her eyes met his. "I'm so sorry, Olivia. I didn't know how else to do it, baby. All I knew for sure was how much I loved you and I had to figure a way to get my life straightened out so we could be together. I couldn't face living without you, Liv... But I knew if I saw you to say goodbye there was _no way_ I could hide my feelings from you, and that would have destroyed us before we ever had a chance."

There were tears in his eyes now as he implored her to understand. "I missed you too, baby… I felt like I was being ripped apart." He buried his face in her hair as his tears mixed with hers. "You don't know how many times I almost gave in and called you. When I moved to the neighborhood I used to walk by just hoping to get a glimpse of you. I felt like I couldn't breathe without you, Olivia. Please, please forgive me, Liv," he pleaded. "I swear I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

Olivia shifted in his arms and looked up at Elliot as though seeing him for the first time. His words were like a balm to her soul, healing the wounds that his leaving had inflicted. She finally understood how much he'd suffered in order for them to be together—the pain he'd endured during their separation had been as great as her own. She touched his face and looked into his eyes. "I'm so sorry, El," she whispered. "This was as hard for you as it was for me, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, Liv." He rested his forehead against hers, holding her gaze.

"I'm so sorry for giving you such a hard time, Elliot." She drew his lips to hers kissing them sweetly before pulling away to look into his eyes again. The color was amazing—a blue she couldn't describe, arresting in its intensity. She could read them like a book: They helped her gauge his every mood and what she saw in them now warmed her heart as he pressed his lips to hers.

His kiss was tender, but she could sense a possessiveness that hadn't been there before. It sent a delicious shiver up her spine and left her wanting more... Knowing she was teetering on dangerous territory she pulled away before it deepened.

Olivia remembered sardonically the vow she'd made earlier in the evening: No more drama and no more tears. She'd fallen far short of that lofty goal. She was exhausted and wanted nothing more than a good night's rest, but even as she thought about closing her eyes and surrendering to sleep she felt the panic clawing at the edges of her consciousness. She trembled and Elliot wrapped her tighter in his embrace.

"You okay?" he asked, placing a kiss on her brow.

"El..." She hesitated for a moment before continuing. "Please don't leave me alone tonight—I'm afraid I'll have another panic attack," she said brokenly. "As long as you're here I know I'll be okay," she whispered. She buried her face in his chest hating that she felt so vulnerable and hating that he was here to witness it… But knowing how much worse she'd feel if he weren't.

"Liv, I won't leave you… I'll hold you all night if you need me, baby," he said pulling her close.

She lowered her eyes and spoke quietly. "I'm not ready to sleep with you, Elliot, it's too soon. I mean—you know—the thing with David…"

"I know that," he said softly, gently caressing her face with his fingers. "I wouldn't expect or ask anything different from you, Olivia."

"It doesn't mean I don't want to, El..." Her voice faltered.

"I know that too, Liv... I kinda got that message earlier today," he chuckled as he buried his face in her hair.

She ignored his teasing, secretly pleased that he understood how much she desired him. "Do you mind sleeping on the couch? If I need you I'll come out there…?"

That'll be fine," he agreed.

"There're blankets and a pillow in the bathroom closet and some clean towels—there's an unused toothbrush in there, too."

"Good. You can use the bathroom first, Liv. I'm gonna watch the news for awhile." He continued to hold her, studying her face as though trying to memorize it, bemusement in his eyes.

"What? El…? You're starting to freak me out. What's ...?"

"Do you have any idea how beautiful you are, Olivia Benson?" Elliot interrupted her, his voice soft as he smiled into her eyes. "You took my breath away thirteen years ago, and you're still doing it. Good night, baby," he said tenderly lowering his lips to hers. He kissed her chastely, careful to not overstep the bounds of their agreement. She responded with more ardor than he expected before pulling out of his arms and heading into the bathroom to prepare for bed.

**Nightmare**

Elliot bolted upright, not sure what had awakened him. He jumped up and made his way to Olivia's bedroom, his heart pounding in his chest.

He had his hand on her doorknob when a scream pierced the night, followed by Olivia's frantic sobs. "No, no, please don't… Please don't, you're hurting me - Help me - Please help me!" Her desperate cries were fueled by terror.

He threw open the door and raced to her bedside. "Liv… Liv you're okay, baby. It's just a dream… You're okay." He attempted to take her in his arms but she was still in the throes of the nightmare and thrashed about wildly, moving her head from side to side, her arms flailing.

"Please don't! No, no—please don't! Don't do this… Get off me!" she screamed, fighting Elliot as he tried to hold her.

He didn't want to make it worse by restraining her but was afraid she might hurt herself. He gently soothed her and she opened her eyes, continuing to struggle for a moment. When she stopped fighting she collapsed sobbing into his arms. Elliot held her securely as she cried—murmuring comforting words to quiet her.

He nearly choked on his anger at Harris. He could feel the bile rise in the back of his throat. He'd just seen a too-real vision of how terrified Olivia must have been during the assault. To hear her begging the bastard to stop had undone him. He gently cradled her in his arms as he attempted to rein in his own fury.

"It was so real," she whispered. "I was back there—in the basement at Sealview—he was trying to rape me again. I could feel him, Elliot. He was… He was _touching_ me." Her body shuddered with revulsion. "I thought it was really happening. When will this ever stop? Why can't I get beyond it, El?" she whimpered.

"Shhh… It'll be okay, Liv. You said it'd had been better for a few years, right…? You had the flashback this morning because of what happened with Haden," he reasoned. "And then you relived it all again when you told me about it. It _will_ get better, Liv, I promise. I'll help you through this."

He held her tenderly as the terror subsided, rubbing her back and placing kisses on her brow until he finally felt her body start to relax in his arms. He let her rest there as she continued to recover from the lingering effects of the vivid nightmare. After several minutes he felt her shift in his arms and look up at him.

"Elliot, will you please stay with me? I mean here—in my bed…?" she asked tremulously. She looked utterly forlorn. "I just want you to hold me—I'm so exhausted but I don't dare to go to sleep unless I'm in your arms."

Elliot swallowed hard before assuring her he would stay in her bed and hold her the rest of the night. He expected he wouldn't be getting as much sleep as he hoped she would, as he became conscious of the sexy curves that were wrapped in his arms with very little in the way of clothing between them. Olivia moved from his arms to settle back on her pillow while he climbed into bed beside her. He pulled the sheet and blanket over them and took her gently back into his arms. As she nestled into him under the covers he heard her sigh contentedly.

**TBC**

**As always, thank you so much for reading and for the reviews… They are much appreciated and very inspirational! **


	7. Chapter 7

_Elliot swallowed hard before assuring her he would stay in her bed and hold her the rest of the night. He expected he wouldn't be getting as much sleep as he hoped she would, as he became conscious of the sexy curves that were wrapped in his arms with very little in the way of clothing between them. Olivia moved from his arms to settle back on her pillow while he climbed into bed beside her. He pulled the sheet and blanket over them and took her gently back into his arms. As she nestled into him under the covers he heard her sigh contentedly._

**Chapter 7**

**Precinct**

Elliot sat in his car outside the 16th Precinct trying to quiet the butterflies that felt more like small birds flying around in his stomach. He'd wondered many times if he'd ever again step foot inside the 1-6—and under what circumstances.

He had his motivation: The woman who held his heart and his future spent half her time here so he knew he needed to get over this hurdle. He wanted to renew old friendships and make some amends. He hoped Munch and Fin were around—he figured Captain Cragen would be.

Olivia didn't know he was here this morning… After checking to be sure she was okay to be left alone, he'd risen early for a much-needed cold shower... The close proximity to her barely-clad body had left him in quite a state. He didn't want her present for his first visit to the 1-6, and when he'd left her apartment she'd been sleeping peacefully.

Since Elliot's departure and early retirement from the 16th Precinct, two new members had joined the SVU team—Amanda Rollins and Nick Amaro. He'd heard good things about both of them, but he'd kept closer tabs on Amaro, Liv's new partner. It was tough thinking about Liv with someone else, but Amaro was damn near perfect: The fact that he was former military intelligence didn't hurt... He'd already had Liv's back on more than one occasion; plus, he was young _and _married so Elliot figured he didn't have to worry about a 'romantic' interest; _and _he'd heard Amaro could stand his ground with her—any man who could handle Olivia Benson deserved Elliot's respect. Hell, he deserved a medal!

Elliot was snapped to attention when someone rapped on the car window. He looked up to see Donald Cragen standing there with a big grin. Elliot lowered the window. "Cap, just the man I wanted to see," he said, matching Don's smile. "I don't suppose I could talk you into buyin' me a cup of coffee?"

"That depends… We gonna have to go down the street to one of those fancy coffee shops or can we do it upstairs?"

"I figured it was time, Cap… I wanna see the guys and wouldn't mind bending your ear for a few minutes—if you've got some time." Elliot closed the window and climbed out of the car, locking it as they walked away.

"You know I've always got time for you, Elliot. Liv's not in today…" he said, trying to gauge the younger man's reaction.

"I know… That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about, Cap."

"Oh? Have you seen her?"

Elliot looked over at his former boss and said, "Yeah, I've seen her."

Don chuckled warmly. "I can see by the light in your eyes and the bounce in your step, it went well."

"Better than I deserve," he admitted, unable to hide his delight.

They'd reached the door of the squad room and Elliot found himself hesitating.

"You OK, son?"

"I will be—just give me a minute. Damn! This is harder than I expected. Guess there's a part of me that thinks I'm gonna walk in and find what I left behind ten months ago: Jenna, Sister Peg—I can't get that picture out of my head, Cap. Fuck, this is not easy." Elliot bent over bracing his hands on his knees, and took a few deep breaths.

"Elliot, you don't have to do this…"

"Yeah, I do. I gotta do it sometime… And if Olivia can face her demons, I can too," he said straightening up. "She told me about Sealview last night, Cap. I wanna thank Fin for having her back."

Don looked at Elliot, his eyebrows raised in question, but he didn't ask for further details. He knew some things weren't meant to be shared.

He watched Elliot carefully as they walked through the door. Elliot paused, seemingly needing assurance that time _had_ moved on and the carnage of his last day at the 16th was long gone. Don put his hand on Elliot's arm. "I'm gonna scoot to my office. Let me know when you're ready to talk." He squeezed his arm in a show of support and left him at the door.

Elliot stood for a moment taking it all in: Sights, sounds, even scents were much the same—including the aroma of slightly scorched coffee that seemed to permeate every corner of the squad room—thanks to Munch. Everything was the same—yet _everything_ had changed. He couldn't keep his eyes from wandering to the desk that had been his home for so many years, with Liv's right next to it. His breath caught for a moment as memories assailed him.

His reverie was interrupted by Sgt. John Munch who'd spotted him and sauntered across the room, peering over his glasses: "Elliot Stabler, as I live and breathe. Just when I figured you'd been spirited away into the witness protection program—or worse yet—retired to Florida. How are you, man?" he asked, heartily shaking Elliot's hand and clapping him on the shoulder. "You're looking great, Elliot!"

"I'm good, John, real good. How 'bout yourself... Still up to your ass in conspiracy theories?" he chuckled. "Seriously, John, how're you doin'?"

"I can't complain—wouldn't do me any good with this bunch anyway. I'm spending less time in the field and more tied to a desk… But that's okay." He looked down for a minute and when he raised his head he said, "I do miss the good old days though—we haven't had a good shouting match or a decent locker bashing since you left, Stabler." He looked intently at Elliot. "Benson misses you, man," he said quietly as he walked away.

His old teammates weren't going to be quick to excuse him—not because he left without a 'good-bye' to them, but for his shoddy treatment of Olivia. She was the heart and soul of the unit… They all loved her and felt protective towards her. He understood it would be a while before they could forgive him, but he hoped in time they'd understand where his heart had been all these months.

Elliot noticed Fin watching him from his desk but making no move to welcome him. Their relationship had been strained: Fin openly disapproved of his hot-headed tactics—_and_ his treatment of Olivia... He knew the last 10 months would've only added fuel to that fire. Fin and Liv had worked together a fair amount and the undercover stint in Sealview had created a strong bond between them.

Before Elliot could approach Fin, the door opened and Alex Cabot entered with a young man he'd never seen. They were fully engaged in conversation and after a few moments he realized it was Olivia's partner, Nick Amaro. Alex looked up spotting Elliot, and headed in his direction with a big smile on her face, Nick in tow.

"Elliot, I can't believe you're here… Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" she asked, wrapping him in a big hug. "Nick, this is Elliot Stabler, Olivia's old partner… Elliot, Nick Amaro, Liv's current partner."

Both men shook hands and politely said 'Hello' as they sized each other up. Elliot broke the awkwardness. "I've heard good things about you, Nick—heard you've had Olivia's back a few times already."

Nick looked embarrassed, but pleased. "Yeah, well she's a tough one to keep up with, but she's a great partner—and a good cop. She's had mine too."

Elliot stepped a little closer to Nick, looking him in the eye: "She's the best there is, Amaro. Take good care of her," he said gruffly. "She means the world to me."

Before Nick could respond Elliot turned and strode out of the squad room with Alex close on his heels. "What the hell was that, Elliot," she hissed, grabbing his arm. "Have you lost your mind?"

Elliot turned toward her, rubbing the back of his neck. He groaned. "Maybe—a little… God, I didn't know how hard this would be, Alex. Being here, thinking about her with a new partner... It kills me!"

"Why are you here, Elliot? Liv's not even in for a few days—Cragen made her take some time…"

"Yeah, I know. I just came from her place," he said, sheepishly stealing a glance at Alex.

"You _what_…? It's only 7:30 in the morning! Did you spend the night?" Alex took Elliot by the elbow, dragging him to a quiet corner of the corridor.

"Alex, relax… It's okay. Yes, I spent the night, but it's not what you think," he said, trying to calm her down.

"You better do some explaining, Stabler, because I know an EADA who's gonna be pretty pissed…"

"They ended it, Alex. Haden took the new position and the relationship is a conflict of interest—she's pretty broken up." Elliot raised his eyes to hers and continued. "Look, I can't get into all this right now… Liv's gonna kill me for what I've already told you," he said shaking his head at the mess he'd probably stepped in. "Please trust me on this… Things are good with Liv and me—better than I ever could've hoped—or _deserve_," he added, lowering his eyes.

"So you're gonna' just sweep in while she's vulnerable, Elliot? That's the stupidest thing you've ever done! When she pulls herself together she'll kick you to the curb and probably never speak to you again. You didn't work this hard to blow…"

"Alex… Alex, listen." Elliot interrupted. "It's not like that—a lot's happened in the last thirty-six hours. She told me about Sealview. I came here to thank Fin. I really owe him... He had her back when I couldn't."

Alex's big blue eyes got even bigger. "Elliot, no one has been able to get her to talk about what happened at Sealview… And I mean _no one._ Believe me, I've tried. She hasn't even talked to Fin about it—and he was with her. This is huge. How did you get her to talk? What did she say?"

Elliot looked beseechingly at her. "I'm sorry, Alex… I can't get into it. It's her story to share or _not_ share. I'll just say that circumstances were right, and I was there—I'm just thankful she's finally talked to someone… She really needed to."

When he spoke again his voice was solemn. "Hey, I appreciate everything you've done for me, Alex… I couldn't have held onto my sanity being away from her if you hadn't kept me up to date on how she was doing. I owe you."

Alex took his hand. "I care about her too and I want to see her finally have something good in her life—someone who understands her and loves her for who she is. I never thought Haden was that person—but you are, Elliot. Don't blow it."

Elliot turned away and cleared his throat. "Thanks, Alex... God knows I love her." When he looked back at Alex his eyes were twinkling. "She presses my buttons faster than anyone else I know; she aggravates me to distraction; she's the most stubborn woman on the planet; and we spend half our time in shouting matches… But I'm _still _crazy about her. I guess that means I love her for who she is..." he said with a lopsided grin.

Alex laughed. "That sounds about right."

"Now I've gotta find Fin. I know he's pissed at me but I'm gonna make him listen. I owe him an apology—and a debt of gratitude. I'll talk to you later, Alex," he said as he headed toward the squad room.

**Mending Fences**

Elliot walked back into the squad room and went directly to Nick Amaro's desk. Nick looked a little apprehensive when he noticed Elliot standing over him. He'd heard enough about the 'legendary' Elliot Stabler to cause him to be unnerved, and based on his first encounter with him moments before he was definitely leery of the man.

Elliot cleared his throat. "Uh, Nick, I just want to apologize for earlier... That was _no_ reflection on you. This has been harder than I thought—knowin' she's with another partner after having her back for twelve years. Truth is I've heard nothin' but good things about you: If I can't be there for her, I'm glad you're the one who's got her back." Elliot extended his hand to the younger man. "No hard feelings…?"

Nick stood and looked Elliot in the eye as he took his hand. "Hey, no offense taken—I know how it is with partners, and—she's pretty special. Trust me… I'll take care of her."

Across the room Odafin Tutuola took in the exchange between Nick and Elliot. He had serious doubts about Stabler sometimes. His intensity and hot temper were a little hard to take—and he absolutely hated the way he'd treated Olivia. He wondered what his agenda was and if it included his former partner.

Fin's feelings for Olivia were complicated: Sometimes she felt like the little sister he'd never had, but there were other times when he was completely knocked out by how gorgeous she was; when he was painfully aware that she was all woman and sexy as hell. She wasn't a woman _any_ red-blooded straight man could ignore. He also happened to _love_ her heart… She was courageous and gutsy and had way too much compassion for her own good. Add to that 'smart as a whip' and the lady was the whole package. From time to time she left him reeling.

So, yeah—it was complicated. And if Stabler was back to fuck with her head he wasn't about to welcome him with open arms.

Fin had gotten sidetracked by his thoughts and hadn't seen Elliot approach him. "Hey Fin, think you could spare a few minutes...?" he asked tentatively. "I owe you an apology. And—I wanna thank you for having Liv's back." Elliot paused, looking around the crowded squad room before turning back to Fin. "Think we could go somewhere with a little privacy?"

Fin was caught totally off-guard. His resolve to give Elliot the cold shoulder was temporarily derailed. More out of curiosity than a willingness to comply with his request, Fin agreed to head up to the roof, the 'unofficial' site to rendezvous or have a private conversation.

Neither man spoke as Elliot trailed Fin up the stairs and through the door to the roof. They closed the door and walked to the edge. Elliot's senses were stirred by the familiar scene before him: The New York City skyline loomed above and the city streets teemed with life below, the air redolent with gasoline fumes and garbage, mixing with the aroma of foods from seven continents—all accompanied by the cacophony of city traffic. He spent a few moments savoring the memories it evoked. When he looked up he found Fin studying him intently, a not-too-friendly look on his face.

"You don't like me much do you, Fin," he said, turning away from the view.

"You want me to lie or give it to you straight, Stabler?" Fin stood a few feet from Elliot, his arms folded across his chest and a challenge in his eye.

"I think you know me well enough to know I want it straight."

"I don't like the way you treat Olivia—never have. But Goddamn, Stabler, you outdid yourself when you walked outta her life and never said goodbye - Never told her what the hell you were doin' – Wouldn't answer her damn phone calls. She deserved better 'n that, man. She's the best partner and friend you _ever_ had—and you damn near broke her." Fin turned and walked away—satisfied that he'd said his piece, and not much caring what Elliot might have to say.

"I know, Fin." Elliot called after him. "I never deserved her… I still don't, but I've spent the last ten months tryin' to get my act together so I can make it up to her. I _love_ her—and God help her_,_ I think she loves me."

That got Fin's attention. He stopped and turned around. He slowly walked back to where Elliot stood, giving him a hard stare.

Elliot held Fin's eyes without flinching. "I came here to apologize, Fin. I know I've been a jerk and you have no reason to even talk to me. But I wanted to thank you for bein' there for her. You've been a good friend when she really needed one. I had my head so far up my own ass the last few years of our partnership I didn't even know the hell _she_ was goin' through—but you did, Fin. You had her back."

Elliot lowered his eyes and his voice grew quieter. "Olivia told me about Sealview yesterday…" His voice broke and he turned away bracing himself on the parapet.

Fin's breath caught in his throat... When he spoke his voice was husky with emotion. "That was rough on her, man—I shoulda gotten to her sooner, Elliot." He hung his head, grappling with the memory. "I was held up 'cause o' that damn TB outbreak—stuck in line for th' mandatory test. I finally just left—thought someone was gonna stop me but I just took off and headed to her cell. And she wasn't there… Goddamn, I _knew_ she was in trouble."

Elliot turned and placed his hand on Fin's arm. "Don't, Fin… you saved her, man—she knows that. If you hadn't gotten to her when you did…" Elliot paused, unable to put into words the horror that could have been.

Fin raised his eyes to him. "You shoulda seen her, Elliot—I never seen her _cry_ before. She was so _damn_ scared, and that fuckin' bastard was tryin' to force his cock…" He lowered his head, unable to finish. When he looked up there was a mixture of pride and wonder on his face. "But Baby Girl," he said, shaking his head as though he were watching the scene play out before him once more. "…she was still handcuffed to the damn door, but she pulled herself up and arrested his ass, tears still streamin' down her face."

"That would be Liv," Elliot said, his voice catching.

Both men were lost in their own thoughts of Olivia Benson. After a few moments Elliot looked over at Fin. "So—are _we_ good?"

Fin met his eyes. "That depends, man—you gonna' hurt her again? 'Cause if you do I swear _I'm_ gonna hurt you, Stabler." He turned around and walked away.

**Cragen**

Elliot made his way down the stairs from the rooftop and slowly headed to the Captain's office. He'd been disappointed by Fin's near refusal to accept his apology but he'd done what he could to repair the relationship with his former co-worker. No one felt as bad as he did about his treatment of Olivia and he didn't expect anyone else to understand the complexities of his leaving without saying goodbye to her after the shooting... He'd done enough work in therapy to understand he had to forgive himself in order to move forward, but he guessed it was naive to expect other people to do the same.

Fin's reluctant attitude didn't change the fact that he'd been there for Olivia when she needed him and for that Elliot would be eternally grateful. Fin's fierce protectiveness of her made him wonder about the exact nature of his feelings for her… but he chose to not go down that road.

Elliot knocked lightly on Captain Cragen's door and entered when he heard him call, "Come in."

"Is this a good time for you, Cap?" he asked before taking a seat.

"Yeah, sure... Sit down, Elliot," the older man motioned to the chair closest to his desk.

"It's kinda nice to be in here and know I've not done something that's gonna have IAB and 1PP crawlin' up my ass," Elliot smirked as he seated himself.

"Believe me, Elliot, that's a good feeling for me too," Don said, looking up from his paperwork with a rueful grin. He set the papers to the side of his desk and turned his attention to his former star detective. "So how'd it go out there…? You get a chance to visit with any of the gang?"

"I did. I saw Munch… and Cabot." He paused, not elaborating on the conversations. He caught Don's eye before continuing. "I met Nick Amaro… He's a good man," Elliot conceded.

The expression of relief on his face was not lost on Donald Cragen. "He is," Don agreed. "He and Olivia seem to have a good working relationship… I've watched pretty closely and there appears to be a bond—she trusts him."

Elliot made no response but there was no visible sign of emotion, negative or positive, to Don's remarks. Instead he looked lost in thought. When he realized Don was studying him he cleared his throat to speak. "I talked with Fin—thanked him for being there for Liv... You know—for having her back at Sealview." He looked down for a moment before speaking again, his voice low. "He's not very happy with me… Doesn't like the way I've treated her—especially these last ten months. I can't blame him." He looked up at Don. "He's right about the last few years... I was a prick. But he doesn't understand about the past ten months—or how much I love her."

"Did you tell him, Elliot? I'm sure he'll feel differently when he understands the whole story… And does it really matter?" Don asked gently.

"You're right, Cap... It doesn't matter. It only matters that Olivia understands," he said, a smile brightening his whole face.

"So tell me about Olivia," Don said with a twinkle in his eye.

Elliot cleared his throat before speaking: "I don't know where to begin, Cap. So much has happened—and most of it's hers to share. We covered a lotta ground and worked out some stuff..."

He lowered his head briefly, and when he looked up his face was split with a grin. "I'm asking her out for our first date tonight." Elliot's voice took on a somber tone as he continued. "I don't want to miss out on this with her, Don," he said as he averted his eyes, looking a little embarrassed. "I want to bring her flowers, and take her dining and dancing. Hold her hand while we stroll through Central Park... I want all the romance that goes with it. If any woman ever deserved to be courted, it's Olivia Benson…" He paused before contining. "…and she'll probably hate it," he said with a chuckle.

Elliot looked up at Don. His eyes reflected pure delight for these two dedicated detectives he'd watched for the past thirteen years, wondering if life would ever give them a break and hand them some of the happiness they so richly deserved. He stood up and came out from behind his desk, extending his hand to Elliot. "Congratulations, son! She might fight you on it, but don't you dare let her win this one… She does deserve to be courted." When Elliot took his hand, Don pulled him into a hug.

"Thank you, Cap… and thank you for all your support. I couldn't have done it without your encouragement."

Don pulled from the embrace and mumbled gruffly. "Okay, okay—enough of this—we'll be drawing a crowd." He beamed at Elliot and then continued on a more serious note. "You just take good care of her, Elliot—that's all the thanks I need. You'll have me to answer to if you hurt her. I don't think I have to tell you she's as close as I'll ever have to a daughter..."

**TBC**

**Thank you for reading! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you once again to those of you who have been following this story - A special thanks to all of you who have taken the time to continue to review and let me know I'm on the right track!_  
_**

_Don pulled from the embrace and mumbled gruffly. "Okay, okay—enough of this— we'll be drawing a crowd." He beamed at Elliot and then continued on a more serious note. "You just take good care of her, Elliot—that's all the thanks I need. You'll have me to answer to if you hurt her. I don't think I have to tell you she's as close as I'll ever have to a daughter..." _

**Chapter 8**

**Decisions**

Olivia rolled onto her back and stretched languidly before opening her eyes. She marveled at the deep and peaceful sleep she'd fallen into after the cruel dream that had shattered her night... She was fully aware that Elliot's arms had made it possible. It wasn't lost on her either what it had cost him—how aroused he'd been holding her scantily clad body while she'd slept contentedly in his arms. She smiled to herself, feeling_ almost _guilty. She'd felt his erection pressing against her in the night and again this morning when he'd finally released her from his embrace and mumbled something about a cold shower. She had a hazy memory of him gently kissing her goodbye after checking to be sure she'd be okay for a few hours.

After getting the sleep her body needed, Olivia was delighted to find she was beginning to feel like herself again. Her mind wandered over the events of the past few days. She could scarcely believe that Elliot was truly back in her life… And unless she'd completely misread the situation they were _more_ than friends—_much more!_ Comprehension came slowly but reality finally kicked in. Her first reaction was disbelief, immediately followed by alarm: She couldn't do this—she _sucked _at relationships! But then she remembered how safe she felt in his arms; how easy it was to be with him; how he made everything in her world make sense. Not to mention the sexual tension that sizzled between them! Maybe she _could_ do this... Maybe she _wanted_ to do this.

As she warmed to the idea, her thoughts turned to the relationship she'd just ended with David Haden. She groaned and pushed herself to a sitting position on the bed. As much as she'd love to forget it and walk away, especially after yesterday—she couldn't. She was certain he hadn't intended to hurt her. The fact that he'd still been here when Elliot arrived told her he was concerned and worried about her. She was well aware she'd left him no option to approach her, so she would have to go to him. He deserved closure... and she needed it. Elliot would be wild but he knew her well enough to understand she was her own person—and that would never change—even if they _were_ romantically involved.

And there was one more thing she needed to do: She'd thought about what Elliot said about the blackout, and in her heart she knew he was right. She needed to let her therapist know about this and be checked out by her physician if she directed her to do so. She'd honestly believed it'd been a one-time thing—but in light of what happened yesterday with David, she had to be sure. She'd tell Captain Cragen, too—and she dreaded that most of all... She was certain he would place her on leave until she was medically cleared.

Once she'd made the decisions she felt better. Being Olivia Benson, she had to act on them immediately. She grabbed her phone off the nightstand and left a message for her therapist. Then she grudgingly climbed out of bed and trudged into the bathroom to prepare for her day. As she showered she became aware of how relaxed she felt in spite of all she was facing—there were no phantoms of panic lurking in the shadows. She closed her eyes for a moment savoring the serenity, grateful beyond words—hoping it would last.

Olivia stepped out of the shower and hurriedly dried herself. She dressed in jeans and her purple silk blouse, pulled her hair back loosely, securing it with a clip, and quickly applied her make-up. Now that she'd decided to see David, she just wanted it over. She raced to the kitchen, grabbed a yogurt from the fridge, made a cup of tea to go, and located her phone and keys.

As she headed out the door she remembered she should have left a note for Elliot. Damn. She'd call him instead. She retrieved her cell phone and keyed in his number on speed-dial. She hadn't deleted it from her phone even after all the calls he hadn't answered. She heard it ringing and wondered idly if he would answer this time...

"Hey, Sleepin' Beauty—you finally awake?" he said with a throaty chuckle. She found herself grinning, ridiculously happy to finally hear his voice on the other end of her phone.

"Yeah—I got up a while ago," she said, feeling almost shy about a telephone conversation with him that didn't revolve around SVU business.

"How're you feelin'?

"Surprisingly well—thanks to you, El," she said softly. "I'm headed out to take care of a few things but didn't want you to come here and not know where I was... Where're you?"

There was a moment of hesitation. "I'm at the precinct."

Olivia was astonished. "The 1-6...? _Our _precinct?" she asked.

"Well, technically, _your_ precinct. But yeah."

"Elliot, are you okay? I mean—it must have been _really _hard, El."

"It was..." he admitted. "But it's something I had to do… You inspired me, Liv," he said earnestly. Her eyes welled up at his words, amazed to think she could've inspired anyone in the state she'd been in over the past few days. "So where're you headed?" he asked.

Olivia contemplated avoiding the question but remembered the conversations they'd had about being honest and open with each other: "I'm going to see David. I need to put this behind me so I—so _you and I_, can move forward—and I can't leave things the way they ended yesterday."

There was silence on the other end. "Elliot...?"

"I'm here. I'm just trying to understand why you'd put yourself in that situation. What can you possibly hope to gain, Olivia?"

His voice was calm—too calm. Like the calm before the storm.

"El, I need this—and he deserves it," she said quietly.

Elliot couldn't conjure the grace to feel benevolently toward David Haden... His first inclination was to break the man's knee caps, but he'd promised Olivia he wouldn't interfere. He swallowed a couple of times before he trusted himself to speak, working hard to put all the money he'd spent on therapy to good use and 'employ' his 'tools.' "Okay... What time do you think you'll be home, Liv?" he asked—the model of tranquility.

Olivia was more alarmed by his serene demeanor than if he'd thrown a fit. She wasn't quite sure how to respond to 'tranquil' Elliot... It wasn't natural.

"Liv…? You still there…?" She heard his voice and remembered he'd asked her a question.

"Liv, what time will you be home?" he repeated.

"Probably no later than 3:00… D'you want me to pick up something for dinner?" she asked, feeling like she'd warped into someone else's life—someone who'd be perfectly comfortable asking that sort of question.

"No… I'd like to take you out to dinner tonight, Olivia... If that's okay? Consider it our first date. Oh—and wear that little black number… I've had lots of fond thoughts of you in that dress, baby."

Wow—he was just full of surprises today! She knew immediately which dress he meant and couldn't believe he still remembered it... He hadn't seen it in awhile. "Any _other_ requests, Detective Stabler?" she asked, not even trying to hide the sarcasm in her voice.

"Ooh—those will be saved for later, Detective Benson," he teased, his voice low and sexy. "I'll pick you up at 7:00."

Olivia felt a playful nip at her core, leaving heat in its wake… Before she could respond she heard a dial tone in her ear.

**Goodbye**

Olivia wondered if it would be better to call David first or just show up unannounced. She finally decided to wait for him outside the doors of the DA's suite of offices and catch him when he left for lunch. She knew his schedule and he usually adhered pretty closely to it. She made herself comfortable on one of the benches nearby and watched the doors—hoping she wouldn't see anyone else she knew.

Now that she had some time to consider her course of action, she was beginning to question the wisdom of meeting with David at all. What had she been thinking? She was finally panic-free and here she was tempting fate by allowing her thoughts to wander back to yesterday morning? She reflected on the moments preceding the flashback—almost expecting the panic and terror to resurface with the memory. Instead, the shadowy demons that had plagued her for the last few weeks appeared truly at bay. She was thankful for the respite.

She didn't understand why David had come to see her yesterday after ending things with such finality. She realized she should have given him the opportunity to talk, but she'd been hurt and angry. She'd been the one to put the brakes on early in their relationship, knowing how difficult it would be to work around their jobs—but he'd convinced her they could find a way to manage it... And then he'd been cold and distant during the Pena mess, offering her no support at all. It had hurt her more than she wanted to admit. Her mind wandered to Bayard Ellis; she remembered how gentle and supportive he'd been with her... The contrast spoke volumes.

She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't see David until he spoke her name. "Olivia...?"

She looked up. He waited for her to respond, reluctant to come any closer—his eyes wary. She stood and slowly walked toward him. "I need to talk to you, David," she said softly. "I need to know why you came to see me yesterday." She lowered her head for a moment and then looked back up, meeting his eyes. She noted the sadness there as she continued. "And you deserve to know what happened—when you kissed me."

David moved hesitantly toward her. "Hey, let's find someplace quiet, okay?"

"Yeah..." Olivia agreed. The silence was awkward as they walked toward a nearby coffee shop. Things had been so easy between them before: They'd never been at a loss for words, and they constantly touched. She'd loved that about him. He always put his arm around her and pulled her into him whenever they were walking. Olivia was stunned by how much it hurt… She wasn't prepared for it—especially knowing how much she wanted to be with Elliot.

David placed his hand possessively at the small of her back as they entered the coffee shop and found a booth. "Do you want some lunch, Olivia?" he asked, taking his jacket off and folding himself into his seat.

"No, I'm fine... Just coffee, please."

A waitress approached and David ordered two coffees.

"Aren't you going to get some lunch?"

"I haven't had much appetite these past few days," he said. He looked down at the table for a moment and then raised his eyes to hers. "Olivia, I think I know what happened yesterday... I mean, when I—_forced_ you—to kiss me." He looked away, obviously struggling with the subject. When he spoke again Olivia heard only one word. "...Sealview."

She visibly reacted and David reached out to her... She didn't pull away so he gently took her hand and held it in both of his.

Olivia couldn't meet his eyes. "How did you know about Sealview, David?" she asked, her voice so quiet he had to lean closer to hear. She withdrew her hand from his and placed it in her lap.

"I have your case files, Olivia," he said gently. "They brought them to me when I first accepted the job and I still have them."

"_That _file was supposed to be sealed_,_ David—to protect my privacy."

"It is. But this case review takes jurisdiction over the privacy order. I'm sorry… I know this is hard for you," he said, showing genuine concern.

She kept her eyes averted from his. He didn't begin to understand how hard this was for her. Only Elliot, _by her choice,_ understood how hard this was for her. Until now she'd at least had control over who got to know what had happened to her in the basement at Sealview… She got to decide who she'd share it with and how much she'd share. She heard David continue.

"I figured out you were having a flashback, Olivia—probably to a sexual assault. It made sense: I mean, your dedication—your empathy for the vics. So I checked through some of your case files – I'll be seeing them all eventually, anyway…"

"Who else gets to see my _sealed_ file, David?" She interrupted him, her voice deadly calm.

"I'll make sure no one else sees it, I promise," he said, looking into her eyes to be sure she knew he would make good on his word. "I needed to understand what had happened. My God, you gotta know I would never do anything to hurt you. If I'd known you'd been sexually assaulted, Olivia, I never would have done what I did yesterday – I would _never _have forced you or been rough with you." He lowered his eyes, his voice wistful. "I just wanted you to remember how good things could be between us…"

"Why, David? You walked away from me—you ended it. Why would you want me to remember?" She couldn't keep the hurt from her voice. "Why did you come to see me yesterday?"

"I called the DA's office and turned the job down… I couldn't bear to lose you, Olivia," he said, working for control. "That's what I came to tell you."

Olivia's eyes registered her shock. "Why didn't you say that? You had the opportunity to tell me, David… Why didn't you?"

"You weren't exactly receptive to anything I had to say... And would it have made a difference, Olivia? I know Stabler's back… Would it honestly have made a difference?"

Olivia looked away. "I don't know," she whispered, tears filling her eyes as she stood to leave. She turned to face him one more time. "I'm sorry," she said, a tear spilling down her cheek as she walked away.

David threw a handful of bills on the table for coffee that hadn't yet come and followed her out to the street. He hurried to catch up with her and caught her by the arm. "Olivia, we haven't even talked yet."

She turned to face him, her cheeks wet with tears. "What's there to say, David? It's over..."

"Did it mean anything to you at all, Olivia?" he shouted. She moved away from him.

"You bastard...! You know it did…! And I'm not having this conversation in the middle of the street." She walked away again.

"Wait, Olivia, please… Let's go some place. The park—any place we can talk."

"We can sit in my car… It's across from your office," she said, avoiding his eyes as she resumed walking. He fell into step beside her and they headed in the direction of his office.

They reached her car and Olivia unlocked it. She climbed into the driver's seat while David opened the door to the passenger side and slid in, pulling it closed behind him.

David spoke first, shifting in his seat to face her. "Olivia, if it meant _anything_ to you, why didn't you fight for it? You didn't even ask me to not take the job…"

Olivia sat facing forward, her eyes downcast. "I shouldn't have had to ask you, David. I _never_ would have asked you to give up a job you clearly wanted—and if you don't know that about me, you don't know me at all," she said sadly.

"If I hadn't taken the job would we be having this conversation?"

Olivia sighed, still refusing to meet his eyes. "No…"

"Why not…?"

She hesitated before answering. "Elliot and I would never have spent time together," she said, her voice barely a whisper. "He wouldn't have told me—that—he loves me. So no, we would not be having this conversation."

"Did you call him?" David asked accusingly.

"No!" she said, irritated he would ask. "He hadn't talked to me for ten months, David… You know that. I wasn't about to call and cry on his shoulder—I didn't think he ever wanted to see me again," she added softly. "He was waiting in my hallway when I got home but I didn't know he was there. He saw me crying and he wouldn't leave..."

"How gallant of him," David sneered. "He's got great timing, I'll say that for him."

"David, it's over… I don't know what else you want me to say."

He reached over and took her chin in his hand, turning her face to his. "I love you, Olivia." She could see the raw pain in his eyes as he leaned closer to her.

"Please don't, David." Her eyes filled with tears as she looked into his. "If you'd told me sooner… If you'd turned the job down from the start—it might have worked. But we can't go back and change it. I'm so sorry," she whispered brokenly.

David turned away and sat looking out the window for a few moments before turning to her again. "Olivia, I don't want yesterday to be the last memory we have of being in each others' arms. Please... I want to kiss you goodbye."

Olivia turned toward him, her tears falling freely now. He gently took her into his arms and leaned down, pressing his lips to hers. He moved his hands up entwining them in her hair drawing her closer to deepen the kiss. Olivia resisted at first, but soon surrendered. After a few moments she drew away and David pressed his forehead to hers… His eyes were closed but his face belied his grief.

He opened his eyes and looked into Olivia's. "Do you love him?"

Pulling out of his arms she turned away. "Yes," she whispered. "Very much. I've… always loved him." And in that moment she knew it was true.

**TBC**

**Thank you for reading! **


	9. Chapter 9

_Pulling out of his arms she turned away. "Yes," she whispered. "Very much. I've… always loved him." And in that moment she knew it was true._

**Chapter 9**

**Preparation**

Olivia stepped out of her bubble bath and slowly wrapped herself in a big fluffy towel. She grabbed another and vigorously towel-dried her long auburn hair as she stood in front of the mirror trying to shake David from her thoughts. She was determined to not let the day's events ruin her evening with Elliot.

Her meeting with David had been tough—tougher than she'd expected. It hurt to see him in pain. She thought about the kiss they'd shared, grateful that David had wanted to change their last memory of being together… She had enough demons in her head with her memories of Sealview. She understood that David's intent had not been to violate her in any way, and she didn't want to carry that as her last memory of him… What they'd had, had been sweet—she'd grown to care about him. She wondered if they might have worked things out, had Elliot not come back into her life… And if so would it have lasted? In the end she didn't think she could have given herself fully to David—or any other man.

Her commitment issues were long-standing and deeply rooted. She questioned whether she could give herself _fully_ to Elliot. There was no doubt she loved him—was_ in-love _with him! She reveled in the freedom to think it and feel it... She wasn't quite ready to proclaim it. In the past forty-eight hours she'd discovered how profound and powerful her feelings for him were... But in the end would it be enough?

She turned her thoughts to their earlier phone conversation and his playful mood—the banter and flirting. It was a luxury she and Elliot hadn't allowed since their early days as partners... Not since their feelings for each other had become complicated and they no longer engaged in any behavior that might cause them to let down their guard and violate one of the unspoken rules that governed their relationship. She remembered how fun and light-hearted he could be, how well they played off each other—and how much they used to laugh. God, how she'd missed it—missed _him!_

Olivia continued to get ready, taking extra time with her hair and make-up, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach. She found it hard to believe they were actually going on a _date—_in public! She wanted to look just right for him—make him proud to be with her.

After clipping her hair into a loose upsweep, with sexy tendrils framing her face and trailing down the back of her neck, she carefully chose her lingerie. She decided on a lacy black bra that would show just the right amount of cleavage, flattering the black dress he had all but demanded she wear. She complemented it with lacy black panties that were barely there. Her five-inch black heels had sparkling sequins and strapless backs… She'd do well to stay in them tonight, especially if she had more than one drink.

She added tiny diamond studs to her ear lobes and clasped a delicate gold chain with a single diamond teardrop around her neck. To complete the ensemble she chose a gold bracelet with exquisite etchings and the feminine gold watch that had belonged to her mother. As a final touch she picked up a bottle of perfume—the one she knew Elliot loved—and spritzed a small amount into the air. She quickly stepped into the mist, ensuring the scent would be subtle—just as her mother had taught her. She wanted everything to be perfect.

Stuffing items she might need into a small clutch that matched her ensemble, Olivia wondered what the evening would hold. She had no idea what he'd planned for them... She wondered if it would end on an intimate note.

She'd made it clear to Elliot she wanted to take things slow and Olivia knew he'd respect her wishes—but she was beginning to have second thoughts herself. She'd felt so safe and comforted in his arms last night pressed so close to him, but she'd not been able to ignore how built and powerful his body was. As his partner she'd had many occasions to witness his brute strength, and she'd seen him without his shirt… But none of that was the same as laying in bed in his arms while they were barely clothed—my God, what a body! He'd left her tantalized and weak with desire. And there was no question he'd been affected... His rock-hard erection had been pressed against her most of the night. If she hadn't been so exhausted and traumatized, things may have ended quite differently—in spite of her resolution to take things slow.

Olivia's contemplations were interrupted when she heard a soft knock. Taking a deep breath she stepped into her heels, checking quickly to be sure it was Elliot before opening the door. All other thoughts left her mind when she saw him: His black suit had soft gray pinstripes… A deep gray silk tie over a lighter gray shirt served to deepen the blue of his eyes. She'd never seen him look so handsome.

Elliot was carrying an armful of red roses. Olivia consciously noted that red roses signified "love" and she had a fleeting moment of panic. She waited for him to hand them to her but when he made no move to do so she looked from the flowers to his face. His eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly open...

"El… Are you okay?"

"Omigod, Olivia, you're fu- I mean... Y- You - _You look gorgeous_," he managed to stammer as his eyes roved over her body, finally resting on her face.

"Thank you, El." She tipped her head slightly looking him up and down. "You clean up okay yourself," she replied with a sexy smile. Stepping aside she invited him in. He still clutched the roses as he continued to rake his eyes over the curves that were accentuated to perfection by her black dress.

"Um... Earth to El," she chuckled taking his chin in her hand. She lifted his face forcing him to meet her eyes. He blinked as though surprised to see her there and then blushed a deep red.

"I'm sorry, Liv," he said looking chagrinned. He hung his head like a naughty schoolboy caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but when he looked up his eyes were twinkling. "It wasn't my fault... I'm a mere mortal. Goddamn, Olivia, you look amazing!"

"Why thank you, Detective." She did a quick pirouette that made the skirt of her dress flare, showing every inch of her sexy legs—and a little more.

Elliot drew in a ragged breath and released it slowly. "You're tryin' to kill me, woman," he growled as he pulled his eyes back to hers.

"El... Are the flowers for me…? Or are you planning on carryin 'em around with us tonight? 'Cause those thorns could get prêt-ty prick-ly…" Her eyes revealed the laughter she was trying to suppress. "This whole dating thing has you a little off-balance, huh, Stabler."

She headed to the kitchen and Elliot followed, watching her curves in motion. He deposited the flowers on the table while Olivia reached into a cupboard for a vase and set it on the counter. Before she could turn he stepped behind her, tenderly wrapping his arms around her and pulling her to him. He lowered his lips to the nape of her neck giving kisses and playful bites. She gave a quiet moan and he whispered sweetly in her ear. "Are you okay with this, baby?" as he kissed his way from her ear back down to her neck.

"Ooh, Elliot," she groaned. "Mmmm—yeah…"

He spun her around pushing her gently against the counter as he crushed his mouth to hers, effectively silencing her. He ravaged her lips while his hands circled her waist pulling her into him. She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck giving as good as she took, using her tongue to force him to open to her. Elliot groaned into her mouth as he felt his knees go weak. "Aww, Liv," he moaned. "D'ya know what you do to me...?"

What do I do to you, El...?" she teased breathily, as he hungrily explored her mouth.

He slowly pulled away, leaving a pretty pout on her swollen lips. Looking deeply into her eyes he pushed a strand of hair from her forehead. His eyes were dark and his voice raspy with desire when he finally spoke. "Let's just say if you don't _stop_ doin' it right now, we're gonna be spending the evening here."

"Oh...? But you started it," she pointed out, feigning innocence.

"Mmm… and I'm placing a moratorium on it 'til later." he said, doing a sexy waggle of his eyebrows as he bent down to kiss her pouty lips one more time. "We have reservations at Becco's for 8:00." He reluctantly released her, turning away to discreetly rearrange himself.

The few minutes in his arms had left Olivia breathless with desire… She'd felt wetness pool in her center the moment his lips touched hers. She tried to regain her equilibrium while busying herself with the flowers.

"The roses are beautiful. Thank you, El."

"There are thirteen… One for each year I've known you. I chose red because I'm not wasting another minute pretending I don't love you," he said solemnly, taking her back into his arms and kissing her thoroughly.

"I thought you put a moratorium on that…" Olivia gasped when he allowed her to come up for air.

"Yeah… Well, rules are meant to be broken." He pressed his forehead to hers, smiling into her eyes. Placing a kiss on her nose he stepped away and picked up her wrap from the back of a chair. "Come on… Let's go find a cab." He gently draped the wrap around her shoulders and placed his hand at the small of her back as they headed out the door.

**Date**

Olivia leaned into Elliot, resting her head on his shoulder as the cab wended its way to Manhattan's Theatre District. His arm was wrapped possessively around her and he was finding it difficult to keep his eyes averted from her generous cleavage.

"So what _are_ the plans for this evening," she asked, leaning her head back and smiling lazily up at him.

Elliot paused for a moment. She looked so goddamned sexy he could hardly focus on the question she'd asked. He swallowed a few times before he could trust himself to speak. "Before I arrived this evening I'd planned a full agenda: Dinner; dancing; maybe a stroll in Times Square..."

"Umm - And now…?"

"And now—all I can think about is taking you back to the apartment and ravaging you." His eyes smoldered as he focused on her kiss-swollen lips.

"Whoa, Cowboy—you have lofty aspirations. You haven't even made it to second base yet," she teased.

"I do believe last night would probably qualify as second and well on its way to third," he said with a lusty grin.

"Well, yeah…" she agreed reluctantly. "But it doesn't count 'cause I was too traumatized to enjoy it."

"I wasn't exactly having a blast myself… I was beginning to wonder if any man had ever died from a perpetual hard-on."

Olivia's sudden burst of laughter caught him off-guard. "Hey—it wasn't funny," he said indignantly. "I almost woke you up to beg you to put some clothes on…" His voice turned gentle. "But you were finally sleeping so peacefully… I just didn't have the heart to do it. I decided I'd rather suffer than wake you."

Olivia reached up and cupped his cheek in her hand, her eyes misty, "Thank you, El," she whispered, drawing his lips to hers. She was amazed at how easy it was to reach for him—how natural it felt to offer him her lips.

The cab came to an abrupt halt and Olivia pulled away from their embrace. Elliot leaned forward to pay the cabby while she gathered her wrap. Before she could register what was happening, Elliot had jumped out of the cab and circled to her side. Opening the door, he reached in to assist her.

She threw him an irritated glance. "Elliot, what are you doing? I don't need any help."

"I know that, Liv," he said, trying to hide his amusement. "Please just humor me. Let me be a gentleman tonight and treat you…"

She didn't let him finish. "Just for tonight…" she grumbled quirking an eyebrow as she shot a few daggers his way.

"We'll start with tonight…" he agreed, looking down at the shapely legs that had emerged from the cab, causing him to lose his ability to concentrate again. "I'll make no promises for future behavior," he mumbled as he took her hand.

* * *

Becco's was one of the most popular Italian restaurants in the Theatre District so it was crowded with theatre-goers even though it wasn't a weekend. Although the setting was casual, many of the customers were dressed more formally since they were on their way to a show or club after dining. The tables were small and intimate and covered with white linen table cloths. There was a candle burning in the center of each with a single red rose in a bud vase placed beside it.

At the moment Elliot was questioning his sanity in requesting Olivia to wear the black dress and then taking her out for public display: He was pretty certain there wasn't a man in the place who hadn't ogled her cleavage or checked out her sexy legs, when they weren't spell-bound by her beautiful face… Including the octogenarian sitting across from them who hadn't taken his eyes off her since they sat down, and the 'twenty-something' waiter who addressed every question to her chest. Next time he'd ask her to wear sweats. He comforted himself with the thought that she'd be going home with _him_, so they could look all they wanted.

At least they hadn't needed to wait for service, which he was pretty certain was thanks to the way she filled out the black dress. Elliot had ordered the veal osso bucco while Olivia chose the pumpkin ravioli and they'd agreed on an Italian wine. As they waited for their entrees they sipped the wine and enjoyed scrumptious herb bread dipped in a tasty olive oil.

Elliot reached across the table and took Olivia's hand. "I'm with the most beautiful woman in the room," he said, his eyes sparkling. "You can't argue that 'cause I know you've noticed every man in here has his eyes on you."

Olivia blushed prettily. "I can handle it if you can," she smirked. "Besides, it isn't true… I know I've been checked out a few times and turned a few heads tonight—but just because _you_ can't keep your eyes off my chest doesn't mean nobody else can," she said, grinning at him cheekily. "It's merely a figment of your overactive imagination."

"I'm a detective and I know what I saw… I'm trained to be observant, remember? Anyway," he growled, "next time you wear that dress we're gonna stay home." He leered at her, bringing her hand to his mouth. He turned her palm up exposing her wrist. Lightly stroking her palm he lowered his lips to the delicate pulse point giving a soft nip, followed by quick flicks of his tongue. He watched as her face registered the sensation… Her eyes widened and she took a sharp breath.

"You keep that up and you're gonna have to take me home now… Do you have a lot of those moves?"

The waiter chose that moment to bring their dinners, so Elliot leaned close and whispered seductively in her ear. "I'll show you when we get home."

They were distracted by the tempting aroma emanating from the scrumptious dishes that had been set before them. "El, I'm starving... Can I have my hand long enough to feed myself? I promise I won't go anywhere." She smiled, amused. He reluctantly released her hand and turned his attention to his meal.

They took their time to appease their appetites before resuming conversation. Olivia, having had her fill, pushed her plate aside. "Hey, how'd things go at the precinct today? It must have seemed really strange to be there..."

"You've distracted me so much this evening I almost forgot about it," he said shaking his head. "Yeah… Walking into the squad room was tough. I couldn't get that picture out of my mind—you know: Sister Peg and Jenna? It felt like I was gonna walk into it all over again." He lowered his head for a moment. When he looked up he tried to smile but it didn't quite erase the haunted look in his eyes... Olivia reached over and laid her hand over his.

"Who'd you see?" she asked softly.

"I talked to Munch and Fin, I ran into Alex. Oh, and I met Nick Amaro. I like him, Liv. I think he's a good man—and I hear he doesn't take any crap from _you_," he teased.

Olivia placed a well-aimed kick to his shin.

"Ow! When will I ever learn to not mess with you—especially when you're wearing high heels… They're lethal," he grumbled as he rubbed his leg.

Olivia merely raised an eyebrow. "Did you see Captain Cragen?"

"I did." Elliot hesitated a moment before continuing. "I hope you're not gonna be upset with me, Liv… I told him about us."

"Elliot! What the hell! Why would you do that?"

Olivia's eyes had turned a shade darker and Elliot knew she was furious. "Liv, please hear me out," he said, reaching for her hand.

She pulled it away and threw down her napkin, starting to rise from her seat.

"Olivia, don't leave this table… Please. Stay and talk this out with me. We're gonna have lots of disagreements and if you take off every time you don't like something I've said or done, we'll never make it, baby." He sought her eyes and held his hand out to her.

She sank back down and reached to take his hand. "This is new for me El—I don't do this—I don't know if I _can _do this," she said, her eyes pleading for him to understand.

"You _can_, Olivia. I know you're used to making your own decisions—you're not used to being impacted by someone else's decision-making, Liv—but its part of being in a relationship. I know you can do it, Olivia—and I promise I'll make it worth your while," he said with a gentle smile as he reached up and tenderly caressed her cheek.

"What did he say?" she asked tentatively.

"Well… He hugged me, he threatened me, and he told me he loves you like a daughter so I better treat you right," he finished, chuckling. "He's very happy for us, Liv."

When Olivia looked up her eyes were luminous and a smile slowly lit her face. "You knew, didn't you?"

"Knew what, Liv?"

"Knew he'd be okay with it."

"Yeah—he contacted me a few months after I left and then he checked in on me from time to time… I told him I was in love with you, Liv."

"Wow!" She said, retrieving her hand again and looking down.

"Is that a good 'wow' or a bad 'wow'…?"

"I'm not sure… You'll be the first to know when I figure it out," she said ruefully. She sat nervously toying with her napkin before looking up again. "I've been making my own decisions for a lotta years, Elliot. I'm _much more_ private than you are—it's really hard to have that option taken away from me." She paused before continuing. "I know this is your life too, El, but can we keep this between us for a little while... Just until I get used to it myself?" she implored.

"Hey, baby, I'm sorry... I promise I won't tell anyone else until you're ready." He reached over and cupped her cheek in his hand, gazing into her eyes with such tenderness she felt her heart skip a beat.

"Thank you, El, she whispered, brushing his hand with her lips.

"I was wrong to say anything without checking with you," he said. He paused for a moment. "It's just... I'm _so_ excited, Olivia. I've never felt this way about _anyone_: It took me twelve years to figure out I was in love with my best friend, and then I had to wait another ten months to pull my life together—not knowing how you felt about me or if in the end you'd even forgive me for leaving you." He looked down at the table. When he lifted his head there was moisture in his eyes. "I still can't believe you want to be with me, Liv—want to give us a chance. I keep thinking I'll wake up and you'll be gone..."

Olivia leaned forward, reaching both hands to his face and drawing him to her. She kissed him unashamedly in spite of the crowded restaurant. "I promise I'm not going anywhere, El. I might stomp out of the room when you piss me off—but I won't leave."

Elliot found himself almost weak with relief, her declaration assuaging his greatest fear—the fear that she would panic and bolt before ever giving them a chance. He took another moment to pull himself together before asking the question he'd avoided all evening. "How did things go with Haden today, Liv?"

Olivia lowered her eyes, but not before Elliot caught the sadness there. He scooted his chair closer and took her hands in his. "Hey—that bad...? Are you okay, baby?"

Olivia looked up attempting a smile, but not quite pulling it off. "It was a lot harder than I expected..." she admitted. "He turned the job down so we could be together."

Elliot slowly pulled away, placing his hands in his lap—his own smile fading and his eyes hooded. He felt like his emotions were attached to a yo-yo. "Where does that leave _us,_ Liv?" he said, unable to hide the hardness in his voice.

She looked over at him, bewildered... When she spoke, a hint of irritation was evident. "Elliot... I just told you—I'm not going _anywhere_."

He looked up, his face so eager with hope, Olivia didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "So you're not going back to him, even though he didn't take the job?"

"El—are you not paying attention to me at all...? Baby, I'm here—with you. She lifted her hand to gently cradle his face as she looked deeply into his eyes. "I wouldn't be here if it weren't exactly where I want to be... I'm not playing a game, Elliot—this is real for me."

He reached for her. "I'm sorry, Liv. I've wanted this—us, for so long, I just can't quite believe it's real, and I'm still so afraid of losing you..."

"Looks like we both have some things to work on..." She hesitated for a moment, smiling into his eyes. "Hell, we trusted each other with our lives for twelve years, El... Think we can learn to trust each other with our hearts?"

"Yeah—I know we can," he said softly, as he gently stroked her cheek.

"Then enough _processing _for tonight—our therapists would be impressed," she laughed, her eyes twinkling merrily. "How about we forget everything except enjoying each other for the rest of the evening."

Of all the things Elliot loved about her, her laugh was right at the top of the list. His face was beaming. "Okay! What's the next stop...? You wanna go dancing or strolling in Times Square?"

"I want to go to Times Square and get a chocolate ice cream cone," she said with a happy grin. "Do you mind if we skip dancing tonight...?"

Elliot stood and motioned for their waiter. "Your wish is my command, Lovely Lady," he said with a flourish as he came around to pull her chair out for her.

Olivia rolled her eyes and shook her head as she rose from the table. "Now you're just being corny."

* * *

Fifteen minutes into their quest for ice cream Olivia acknowledged that five-inch heels were not 'stroll-friendly.' She reached down and quickly slipped the heels off handing them to Elliot.

"Now I'm your pack-mule...?" he questioned with the raise of an eyebrow.

Olivia gave him a wide-eyed look of innocence. "Well... I'm carrying my clutch in one hand and I'll need to have my other hand free for my ice cream cone when I get it. So, yeah ... you get to carry my shoes."

"So now it's a privilege..." he said, grinning at her impudence. "And you couldn't just carry them until you actually get the ice cream cone I suppose...?"

"I could... But then I wouldn't be able to do this, she said as she moved closer to him tucking her arm into his and looking up with a flirty smile.

"Ohh, I see. This _is_ good... Except now you're so much shorter I have to reach down further to kiss you," he said as he stopped and lowered his mouth to hers.

She pulled away before their lips connected. "I wouldn't want to inconvenience you, Stabler," she said disengaging her arm from his and moving on ahead, hiding her laughter.

Elliot stuffed her shoes in his pockets and caught up to her, grabbing her arm and swinging her around to face him. Before she could resist he pulled her to him, fisting his hands in her hair as he lowered his lips to hers, silencing her protests. When they came up for air he grinned down at her.

"Elliot, we're in the middle of Times Square," she hissed, trying to catch her breath.

"You don't _ever_ want to challenge me, Benson, unless you're ready for the consequences, baby." He released her and sauntered on ahead, leaving her standing in the middle of the busy sidewalk.

When she caught up to him her eyes were black and spitting fire, her hair was disheveled and falling out of its clip and she was barefoot. He thought he'd never seen anything so sexy in his life.

"You ass..." she sputtered. "You don't play fair. I want my ice cream _now_ and then I want to go home."

"Liv, you're not mad...?" he asked with disbelief.

"I didn't say I was mad… But what I want to do to you can't be done in the middle of Times Square—at least not without being arrested," she smirked saucily as she strolled off toward Stone Cold Creamery in search of her ice cream cone—content in the knowledge that she'd exacted her revenge.

* * *

Olivia was lost in her own thoughts as the cab pulled up in front of her building. She'd wanted to take things slow with Elliot—give herself some time to process her break-up with David. Her head told her it would be the smart thing—the responsible thing—to do. But she was pretty sure there was no way she could put the brakes on now—her need for him had become a constant ache. This was new to her: It wasn't that she didn't have a healthy libido... With the exception of a few months following the assault by Lowell Harris, her sex drive remained strong and healthy—in spite of working in the 'sex crimes' unit.

Her sexual encounters were few, by her own choice—and they weren't always perfect. When a partner didn't meet her needs or wasn't available she could handle things: She was a modern, independent woman who knew how to take care of herself... As far as she was concerned a well-crafted battery-operated sex toy was the most important contribution to woman-kind to come out of the 20th century. But this thing with Elliot was different… This reached into her soul—and it couldn't be self-served away.

She looked over at him as he climbed out of the cab and reached in to offer her his hand. He looked so handsome tonight, and happier than she'd ever remembered seeing him. He pulled her to him as she stepped out of the cab and placed a quick kiss on her nose before reaching down to take her hand. She knew in that moment she'd give herself to him tonight—fully and unconditionally.

**TBC**

**Thanks for reading! **


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you so much to all of my readers, and, as always, especially to those of you who have encouraged me with your feedback. This is my final chapter for this story, but I am working on the next one… Hope to have the first chapter up within the next few weeks. Enjoy!**

_She looked over at him as he climbed out of the cab and reached in to offer her his hand. He looked so handsome tonight, and happier than she'd ever remembered seeing him. He pulled her to him as she stepped out of the cab and placed a quick kiss on her nose before reaching down to take her hand. She knew in that moment she'd give herself to him tonight—fully and unconditionally._

**Chapter 10**

**Consummation**

The moment Olivia closed her door Elliot pulled her into his arms. He ran his fingers along the contours of her face, tucking strands of hair behind her ears. He touched his thumb to her lips, wondering at how full and kissable they always were. Looking deeply into her eyes he whispered, "I want to make love to you, Olivia." His voice was wistful as he continued. "I'd planned to wait—spend more time dating..." He hesitated, ducking his head in a rare show of shyness. Looking up he gave a self-conscious grin. "You know—more time _wooing_ you—because you deserve that, Liv. But omigod, I _want_ you _so_ much. I want to show you everything I'm feeling for you— and I can't do that without making love to you."

Olivia lost herself in his eyes. She'd made her decision and she had no intention of denying him. Her yearning for him was so intense she no longer had a say over what her body would do. She reached up and gently touched his face. "I _want _you." Her voice was low—almost pleading... Her _need _visceral. She raised her lips to his, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him closer. She kissed him slowly and longingly—and he sensed something had changed between them. When she pulled away her eyes were bright with unshed tears and she whispered, "I love you, Elliot."

* * *

They'd left a trail of clothing from the front door all the way into the bedroom, as though having made the decision to consummate their love, time was now of the essence. Olivia stood in his arms mere feet from the bed. The black dress was gone—left in a heap at the bedroom door. All that remained were her lacy bra and panties that served little purpose other than to tantalize him. Elliot fumbled as he tried to work the buttons on his shirt, so she pushed his hands away and took over the task herself. She'd already divested him of his pants and he'd kicked off his shoes and removed his socks and jacket at the door.

He gazed at her body, his eyes smoldering... But the look on his face was one of awe—and something close to reverence. "I swear to god, Olivia, I've never seen anything as beautiful as you." He moved his hands over her hips exploring her curves—sensing her through his fingertips. He continued his exploration, over her belly and up along her ribcage, causing her to quiver. He brought his hands to rest on her shoulders running his thumbs over her collarbone. The silky smooth texture and warm, golden glow of her skin reminded him of honey... He wondered if her nectar would be as sweet. Her long auburn hair was in sexy disarray having fallen from the clip that held it earlier… He brushed it gently from her face and lifted her chin until she looked into his eyes, momentarily forgetting her task. He pulled her to him and lowered his lips to hers, kissing her tenderly as he ran his hands over her shoulder blades and the contours of her back, searching for a bra clasp. She shivered as he maneuvered the hooks until they let go… He slid the straps off her shoulders, leaving them to hang down her arms.

Wrapping his hands in her hair he pulled her head back, exposing her lovely neck. For a moment he flashed to the many fantasies he'd had about this luscious part of her anatomy and bending down he lightly grazed his teeth along the tender flesh, stopping to kiss and nip, wetly running his tongue into the hollow at the base of her throat. She moaned and he sought her mouth to capture the sound. She pulled her lips away when she could no longer breathe and he gently placed his hands on her shoulders pushing her body from his—just enough to allow her bra to fall away from her voluptuous breasts. His intake of air was audible when he saw the reality of what until now he'd only imagined… Once again his fantasies had fallen short. He lifted the bra away dropping it to the floor and reverently reached to touch her. Her breasts were impossibly full—and firm. He brushed his thumbs lightly across her nipples watching them transform into tight buds before his eyes.

Olivia's need for him was overwhelming and she returned to the task of ridding him of his clothes. His shirt was finally unbuttoned and she impatiently peeled it down his arms pulling it from first one hand and then the other, leaving it to drop at their feet. She reached under his tee-shirt to lift it up and her breath caught as she felt his sculpted chest beneath her fingertips. She roved her hands over him, feeling his raw strength. Sinew and taut muscle rippled beneath her fingers as Elliot pulled the garment over his head and tossed it away.

Walking her backward toward the bed he reached down and pulled at the covers, lowering her until she was sitting on the edge. He started to slide his boxers off but she stopped his hands. Slipping her fingers under the waist band she drew them down, freeing him: He was big, as she'd known he would be—fully erect and engorged, causing her to wonder how she would accommodate him. Wrapping her hands around his tree-trunk thighs she pulled him to her, lowering her lips to place a warm kiss on the tip, making him groan… She drew him into her mouth drawing lazy circles with her tongue.

"Oh god, Liv, you gotta stop that, baby," he gasped, "or I'll be done before we start."

Olivia looked up at him, her big brown eyes indolent with desire. "I'm just getting acquainted, El," she purred with a wanton grin. She released him and pulled herself onto the bed, lying back against the pillows.

Elliot finished removing his boxers and kicked them out of the way as she scooted over, making room for him. He slipped in next to her taking her in his arms and pulling her over onto his chest, her full breasts searing his flesh, causing him to stutter. "H - Hey baby… We need to talk before we go any further," he said, brushing hair away from her face.

She raised her head, fixing him with a look of disbelief. "Are you _serious_, Stabler? Aah, god, you're killin' me…" she said with a husky groan. "And shouldn't that have been _my_ line?"

He chuckled. "I don't mean _relationship _stuff, Liv," he said rolling his eyes. "But we do need to talk about protection - Okay…?" he asked tentatively.

"Oh—yeah. Okay. I'm on the pill, El..." She wasn't sure how to broach the rest of it. She tried to gauge his reaction as she continued. "And I was tested just a few months ago—for—you know—everything. I've only been with one partner since… He was tested, too," she whispered, avoiding Elliot's eyes.

She could feel his body tense and she closed her eyes against the discomfort of the moment. When she opened them again he was watching her. He tenderly stroked her cheek. "Okay… good. Do you trust him?"

"Yes—implicitly."

He swallowed hard, trying to bring his emotions in rein, struggling with the images of Haden's hands on her, his mouth, his… He forced himself to stop. "That's good enough for me. I was tested five months ago and I haven't had any partners since. Do you agree we don't need to use a condom…?"

Olivia pulled herself up onto her knees and placed her hands on his shoulders, pushing him further into the pillow. "No condom," she said throatily as she straddled him. His surprise was quickly replaced by raw desire: Olivia sensuously caressed one of her breasts, bringing the nipple to a rosy peak. Leaning forward she brought it to his mouth and he took it hungrily. He suckled gently, flicking the tight bud with his tongue until she was squirming. She rocked back against his solid erection and he could feel her wetness through her panties.

He reached up wrapping his arms around her and quickly flipped her so she was under him. Grasping her panties at the waist he tore them from her body in one quick motion causing her to gasp in surprise. Before she could recover he slipped a finger inside her and she panted as her body responded. "Oh, El," she moaned. He inserted a second finger and her moan deepened. As he moved his fingers she bucked against his hand.

"My god, Olivia, you're wet—and sooo _tight_. You're really close aren't you, baby…"

"Mmm..." she moaned. "I want you in me, El… Now—please? I need you, Elliot." She ground against his fingers and trapped his hand with her thighs. "Please don't make me wait, El," she whimpered.

He'd never seen anythingso hot… so sexy, in his life. The fact that it was _Olivia_, his tough-as-nails ex-partner—who _never _relinquished her control—writhing beneath him completely submissive and _begging him to take her—_nearly made him lose it.

"I don't wanna hurt you, Liv… I'm just gonna go slow at first, okay, baby…?"

She was beyond the ability to use words but gave a nod. Elliot positioned himself above her, supporting his weight with one arm. She opened her thighs making room for his hips and brought her legs up wrapping them around his lower back. He arranged himself at her warm, wet core and ever so slowly pushed inside her... At her sharp intake of breath he stopped—concern on his face.

"Its okay, Elliot, its _good,_" she gasped. "Please don't stop—please. Just go slow." She arched into him as he pushed deeper and started to move inside her. "Oh fuck, El… It feels sooo good," she moaned as she moved her hips to match his rhythm.

Elliot was pretty sure there was nothing this side of heaven that could feel _this_ good: He honestly didn't know a woman could be so tight. The pleasure she was giving him was mind-shattering and he knew he wouldn't last long. He looked down at her beautiful face. Her head was thrown back—her eyes closed and her lips parted— she panted each time he drove into her. He bent down and claimed her sexy neck with his hot mouth, branding her as his own as he thrust deeper into her with each stroke. He was so close but he wanted her to come first… He wanted to watch her face as she went over the edge. Her moans were continual now—her utterances unintelligible except for his name, which had become a chant—almost a prayer.

Olivia was ready to come and she was sure there wasn't another man on the planet who could bring her to this place—she'd _never_ come with a man inside her. She'd never established that level of intimacy—never made herself that vulnerable or trusted any man that implicitly. But Elliot had filled her in so many ways for so long… He filled her thoughts, her senses, her heart and her soul. Now he was filling her body and the pleasure was almost excruciating—beyond anything she'd ever experienced.

Elliot knew it was time to give her the sweet release she desperately needed. He reached between them, rubbing his finger over her swollen clit. "Come for me, baby," he whispered. He watched her face as her body arched and her walls tightened, her nails raking over his back. Her scream was guttural and she thrashed her head from side to side. He crushed his mouth to hers, muffling her cries as she plummeted over the precipice, taking him with her. His body shuddered—her name coming from somewhere deep within and he realized_ she_ was now quieting _him_—absorbing his cries with her soft mouth, while he spilled into her.

As the strong spasms subsided Elliot regained his control. He didn't want his connection to Olivia to be broken... He remained inside her pressing his lips to hers, kissing her tenderly. She returned his kiss with a fervency that surprised him. She pulled away for a moment and took his face in her hands. "I love you Elliot—I love you—I've loved you for so long—oh god, how I love you," she murmured over and over, continuing to kiss him. He touched her face and found it wet with tears. Sliding out of her he rolled over and gently gathered her in his arms. He buried his face in her hair, shushing her softly.

"Why the tears, baby... Are you okay?" he asked, wiping them with his thumb.

"Hmm hmm," she mumbled, nodding her head 'yes' as she tightened her hold on him.

"Why are you cryin', Liv...? Did I hurt you baby?"

"Oh god, El, no—it was _wonderful!_ So—_so_ _powerful.._." She lay quietly in his arms for a moment. Reaching up she kissed him again, but this time her kiss was deep and lingering and when she pulled away she rested her hand on his face and looked into his eyes. "Thank you, El—that was a first for me," she whispered. "I've _never_ had an orgasm like that before—not with my lover inside me," she said quietly, her brown eyes luminous as she reached up and touched his face. "…you're the only man who's ever been able to do that for me, Elliot. I've never felt this connected to anyone in my life, El, and it's—just powerful."

Elliot couldn't speak for the emotion that flooded him. He had no words to respond to her revelation so he just held her tenderly and watched as her eyes closed and she drifted off to sleep. She was right... It _was_ powerful! It was staggering to him: He certainly knew she'd been with other men and he had no issue with it—she was, after all, an unmarried, savvy, beautiful woman of the 21st century. Well, maybe, truthfully, he did have a problem with it—in all honesty he didn't handle it well at all. He didn't ever want to think about another man anywhere near her. But that was just because he was crazy in love with her and territorial as hell... It was no reflection on her. He was a little self-conscious though: She was more experienced and sophisticated than he—in this department at least—since he'd only been with Kathy. The knowledge that she'd found something in his arms that she'd never found with another man was mind-blowing and humbling and exciting and—hell, yeah... It was powerful!

* * *

Elliot opened his eyes, momentarily confused—until he looked down at the sleeping vision in his arms. His face transformed as a smile claimed it, and he lay there for a moment just breathing her in: reveling in the feel of her; catching the light musk of her perfume, mixing with the heady scent of their sex. Other than the births of his children and the joy they'd brought him, he couldn't recall a single thing that had ever made him this happy. He watched her sleep, marveling at her beauty… The loveliest packaging he'd ever seen encompassed a soul of fire and passion, and a heart of compassion and courage—she just took his breath away. For the life of him, he couldn't fathom what had taken him so long to come to his senses and fight to make her his own.

Olivia stirred in his arms. She looked up at him from under the fringe of her lashes, her brown eyes dark with desire. She shifted until she was laying across his chest, her breasts full and warm against him, pressing her face into his neck. She brushed her lips lightly along his clavicle and trailed warm wet kisses up the side of his neck, stopping to nip and suck at his earlobe.

Elliot groaned and quickly flipped them, so he was laying over her. Carefully balancing his weight, he gently pressed his lips to hers, his tongue seeking entrance... His kiss was long and languorous, and she moaned into his mouth as she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer.

When they finally yielded to the need to breathe, he slowly pulled away, looking deeply into her eyes. "God… Liv, _you_ _are_ _so lovely_. I look at you and I can't believe you want to be with _me..._ You could be with any man you want—you're _that_ beautiful, Olivia."

"_You're_ the only man _I _want, El..." Her sultry tone sent delicious shivers skittering up his spine. "…and I've wanted you for a damn long time," she drawled, drawing out the words, and smiling into his blue eyes. "You know—for an old man, you're kinda easy on the eyes yourself," she said with a teasing grin. "I've watched women check you out... One look at those baby blues, with all that brooding intensity—and they're reduced to puddles. God help 'em if they ever got a peek at the glorious physique you keep hidden under those button-down shirts."

Elliot's grin stretched across his face as he listened to Olivia. "Really..? And is that how I affect _you_...? He smirked, as he brushed a wisp of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear.

"Nah... I've spent too many years by your side to be affected any more," she taunted.

"You sure...?" Elliot lowered his body closer to hers, rubbing his pecs lazily over her breasts, as he looked into her eyes. "You're sure I don't have any affect on you...?"

"No-o, un-huh, none a-t all," she gasped, her brown eyes almost black with desire.

"None at all…?" he queried, as he lowered his mouth to her neck. He nipped lightly, slowly running his warm tongue up to her ear. "You sure…?" he whispered hotly, causing her to squirm beneath him.

"No-ooo," she moaned, shaking her head. She could feel him harden against her, and she melted, wetness pooling between her legs.

Shifting his balance, he reached for her breasts. He placed a kiss on each one and lowered his body closer, rubbing his pecs over her nipples, creating friction… causing them to peak into tight buds. Olivia's breath caught and her body arched. "If you're absolutely certain I no longer have any affect on you, I guess we might as well just go back to sleep," he mocked, as he started to pull away.

Olivia had passed the point of no return. "Elliot, please don't tease me... I need you—now!"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure we established that I have no affect on…"

He never finished the sentence... Olivia pushed him off her, flipped him onto his back, and straddled him. Her hand was firm on his hardened shaft as she guided it to her entrance, and before he fully comprehended what was happening, he was buried deep inside her, her warmth enveloping him and her walls holding him tight. She gave him such a rush he grew light-headed and it took him a moment to catch up to speed. Her knees gripped him tightly and she rested her hands on his thighs for balance… With her head thrown back and her eyes half-closed, she ground into him, taking him impossibly deeper with each thrust of her hips. Soft, sexy sounds came from her throat as she rode him, her breasts bouncing gently to the rhythm of her movements.

"Goddamn, Liv," he moaned, regaining his equilibrium and slowly moving with her. "Ooh, baby, you're sooo fu-u-cking hot," he gasped, as she tightened around him. He didn't want this to end—he could lie here and watch her forever—but with the grip she had on his pulsing cock, he wasn't going to last much longer… and she was even closer. She was clearly going to have this her way and take what she wanted.

The woman was going to be the death of him, he thought. He knew one thing for certain: Nothing and no one had ever turned him on as much as Olivia Benson… If he'd had any idea how goddamn hot and sexy she was in the bedroom, he'd never have been able to stay away from her as long as he had. He groaned, as she moved over his shaft with increasing urgency. He needed to have some contact—to feel her honeyed skin… Reaching up, he placed his hands on her hips.

Losing no momentum, Olivia shifted her position, bracing herself on his shoulders, the new position causing him to hit a different spot deep inside her. She groaned loudly and lowered her body, until her breasts were lightly brushing his chest and her mouth was inches from his. "I ne-ed you, El-li-ot…" Her words were drawn out by the motion of their bodies. "You make me need you so-oo much, El," she groaned. She lowered her lips to claim his mouth, searing him with her tongue and taking his breath away. She pulled away, her eyes heavy-lidded as she looked into his… "Make me come, El…" she pleaded.

"Oh, baby… I'll make you come," he whispered, caressing her hips and running his hands up her back, bringing them to rest in her hair. He kissed her soft mouth and moved his hands back down to her hips, pulling her close.

Holding her to him, Elliot braced his feet on the bed and lifted his hips, thrusting ever deeper into her. Reaching one hand between them, he sought her clit, swiping his finger over it until he could feel her walls tighten and pulse as she reached her peak. He could feel her arch into him, her head thrown back, as her orgasm tore through her with an intensity she'd never experienced, his name ripping from her throat. Elliot pressed his mouth to hers to quiet the sound, hoping they hadn't woken neighbors.

Olivia lay in his arms for a moment as she recovered. Slowly pushing herself up, she rested her hands on his chest, looking down at his half-closed eyes. "I love you, Elliot," she whispered, as she tightened around him one more time, slowly grinding her hips into his. He opened his eyes and held her gaze as he started matching her movements. She gripped him tightly within her soft depths, squeezing until he was sure he would pop out… He thrust deeper, looking up into the brown eyes that still held his. Reaching up he touched her breasts and ran his hands down her sides, bringing them to rest on her hips… anchoring her to him. She brought her face closer to his. "Come for me, El," she commanded, her voice low and husky—the look in her eyes, raw sex.

It was all that he needed… "God, Olivia," he groaned, louder than he had any ability to control. Elliot's orgasm exploded through him, and he thought the top of his head might come off, too. His hot seed shot into her, coming in waves that seemed to go on forever. He was aware he was shouting her name, but he no longer cared about the neighbors—just this moment. When the strong spasms subsided, Olivia didn't want to break her connection to him… She lowered herself to his chest, holding him inside her, and brought her lips to his. Kissing him sweetly, she murmured, "I love you."

They lay in each other's arms, completely sated—too exhausted to move—barely capable of coherent thought. After several minutes, Olivia finally found the strength to move. As she pulled away he slid out of her and she settled beside him.

Elliot opened his eyes and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her as though he might never let her go. "I love you, Olivia—more than I can ever express, baby." He placed kisses in her hair and held her close.

Olivia loved the feeling of his arms around her. She was tired and would have loved to drift off to sleep while he held her… But there were things she needed to say, so she fought the urge a little longer. "Elliot…?"

"Hmm… What, Liv? he mumbled sleepily.

"This is real, isn't it," she whispered. "I mean—this is a _relationship_… This isn't just for a little while, is it," she stated.

Elliot shifted—just enough to see her eyes. "This is real, Olivia—_so_ real… This is _forever _for me, baby," he said fervently, hoping it wouldn't make her panic and want to run.

Instead, she held him tighter. "Okay then, I wanna make sure I don't do anything to screw it up, Elliot—because I love you. I didn't know it could be like this…" She lay in his arms for a moment longer, and then shifted onto her back. "El, you know how you said we need to be honest with each other—no more secrets…?"

Dread twisted his insides, but he answered her calmly, not knowing if he wanted to hear what she was going to say. "Yeah… go on."

"I need to tell you something, El…" She could feel his body tense beside her, and questioned her wisdom in continuing... but chose to forge ahead. "When I met with David, he asked if he could kiss me one more time... So our last memory wouldn't be—you know—of him forcing me." She could feel Elliot pull away, and she rolled toward him, placing her arm over him and pulling him forcibly back to her. "Elliot, I love _you_—not him. I'm _here_—with you… This is where I want to be. But we both needed closure—and I didn't need to carry one more horrible image in my head… Sealview is enough." She could feel him start to relax, so she continued. "It felt better for me afterwards, El… It was 'good-bye' – It was the closure I needed." She waited for him to say something, and when he didn't, she spoke again, her voice low. "Elliot, you said you wanted honesty in this relationship…"

"I do, Liv… You don't know what it means to me that you told me this, Olivia. Thank you." He reached down and took her chin in his hand, tilting her head up to meet his eyes. "It doesn't mean I have to like it… I understand it—I really do. And I'm glad that it helped you, Liv." He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her tenderly. "But I am never going to be okay when I think about you in another man's arms, baby, and you'll just have to accept that. I was just trying to get the picture out of my head before I could speak…Okay?"

"Yeah… okay," she said softly. "Thank you, El." He pulled her to him, burying his face in her hair, and she snuggled closer. After a few moments, she looked up at him one more time... "This is a whole new beginning for us," she whispered with a smile. Dropping her head onto his chest, she drifted off to sleep.

**The End (for now)**


End file.
